You know that fresh, reborn feeling when you say the shahadah the first time? When you know Allah has forgiven all your past sins, and you have officially and publically announced that you bear witness that there is no God but ALLAH and Mohamed (saw) is his prophet !!
I miss that feeling that I had when I knew that all my mistakes I made before that moment nearly 3 years ago had been erased. Clean slate. I was a good girl.
Not that I was bad before. I just made lots of mistakes. Lots of them.
Then you start messing up. Whether it was something small or big, when you realize that you can't be perfect can be devastating. It was for me. Doesn't matter what I did - I'll just say I shouldn't have done it, I paid for my consequences and I was crushed and defeated for a long time. I felt like I didn't deserve to be Muslim. I was so upset with myself for failing at 'being Muslim.'
Today I feel like a different person. Actually, I feel like that Jilbabble who took shahadah. Maybe it is the abnormally nice and warm day. Maybe not. But lately - especially today - I can't shake this good feeling. Like things will turn around. That Allah is trying to say to me right now "Jilbabble - things are going great so don't mess it up!"
I am so thankful to Allah right now for my son, my mother.. and most importantly for guiding me to this deen. Allah has a way of fixing things for you when you least expect. Change can't be forced. Change can't be manipulated or predicted.
For the longest time I have made du'a, supplicating for ease in this life, and to bring me back to the old Jilbabble I once was. I used to be so angry at life, wondering why I made the decisions I made, why this or that had to happen to me. I wanted a change in life. I want to be cared for again. I want to care.
I got this from Hijabi Apprentice's always inspiring blog: Verily Allah does not change men's condition unless they change their inner selves (Quran 13: 11)
I really have been working on my 'inner self' for a long time.
Alhamdulillah my life is very ideal as a Muslimah ~ I work for a Muslim Org. I don't have the pressures that other hijabis have about being Muhajabah in the States. I live in my own little Muslim Bubble. Um.. Yes.. I refer to my life as My Muslim Bubble. ANYWAY....
I just felt like saying ALHAMDULILLAH.