Friday, March 30, 2007

Organizing My Thoughts/Catching Up

Today my son has a doctor's appointment. Hooray! Nothing to worry about, it is a new patient appointment. I finally got him in to see a doctor!! I hope this gets the ball rolling so we can get all his yearly checkups w/ the cardiologist and nephrologist out of the way Insha Allah. I'm kind of nervous about having a new cardiologist... but Insha Allah kheir.


I just finished reading The Translator by Leila Aboulela. I also read her other book Minaret this week during my road trip (more on that later).

I'm not going to give a full-on summary or analysis of either books. The only thing I want to say is that The Translator somehow inspired me to organize my thoughts and Minaret moved me to stand up for myself and not give in to other people's expectations of me.

The main character in The Translator is a widow who translates for a professor in some university in Scotland. They develop feelings for one another and the widow Sammar finally gathers her strength to tell this guy that he must become Muslim so they can marry. There are many things going on in the book that I will leave out, and I won't say what happens. As I read the scene it made me want to do the same thing with a certain person in my life. No not a non-Muslim guy.. and really has nothing to do with the situation described in the book. But let's just say there some people who need to here everything I have kept inside for too long.

How will I organize my thoughts? I'll start writing. Writing will help me get everything out. When I talk of the top of my head I tend to ramble and go in all different directions. So I'll write it all down and then do the old cut and paste action to make it all pretty and coherent.

Insha allah.


This week was Spring Break. I had the week off. Went on a long long road trip to San Francisco. It was worth the double-digit hours of riding in a van full of kids (I went with my son and another family). I got some major relaxation and deflation of the mind accomplished.

This weekend I'll be taking another road trip with my son and my one of my bestest girly-friends Insha Allah.


I haven't spoken with Latino Potential in over one week. I've kinda been avoiding his calls.

Here are the reasons:

1 - I felt that we were talking more than what is Islamically appropriate

2 - I need time away to figure out if I actually like this guy

3 - Certain things came up in our converstions that made me need to step back analyze them.

Is he right for me or not?

I don't know.


Ew. One of my cats just stood on my lap, stuck his butt in my face and let one rip. Yeah. Cat farts are nasty.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

My Thoughts Exactly

Taken from McSweeny's "Open Letters to people or entitites who are Unlikely to respond"


February 6, 2007

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f*#king kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and KahlĂșa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull*#it. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Saturday, March 24, 2007


Going on a roadtrip with my son and some friends.

Be back Wednesday or Thursday Insha Allah.

For those of you on Spring Break, enjoy your time off! Insha Allah we will :-)

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Haven't updated cuz I'm lazy.

I am still talking to Latino Potential. He isn't a complete loser and yes he is employed. I guess I should've straight up asked him where he worked instead of making assumptions.

Anyway.. he's a blue-collar type of guy. Seems to have grown up to be liberal in his politics (which I can put up with, though I don't consider myself either liberal or conservative. But liberals I can deal with).

I'll go into more details later. For now.. I will say that my friend's husband (who is good at grilling people and knows me very well) has LP's number and will be calling him some time this week. I'm not sure if I like the guy. I am growing to like him and look forward to talking to him. I have been very very very blunt and unflinching in expressing my views and apparently he likes that. Wierd. Anyway... Friend's hubby will talk to him. If Friend's Hubby disapproves.. I will most likely stop communication. Just cuz past experience has taught me to weigh into consideration the opinons of others before getting involved with a possible suitor/husband.

Saturday, March 17, 2007

Totally Not Feeling It

Just cuz we share an ethnicity and are single parents does not make us a match made in heaven.

Let's just say that he lost me when he told me that ALL about how he tried to overthrow his masjid's board of directors.

Plus he does not have a Jay-Oh-Bee. The window of opportunity to establish a relationship from the ground up has closed for me. I don't want to jump into marriage with someone who isn't mentally AND economically ready for marriage. I can understand if someone is a student and has goals for the future. But this is not the case.

Cool guy but not for me.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

I must be boring

Cuz no one comments anymore. Waaah. Did I lose readers??

Anyway.. some food for thought..

Someone called me last night saying that they wanted to introduce me to a brother in California. I guess he is a Latino convert (already one thing in common) and also a single father (woah - i'm a single mom!). He is a few years older than me. And that is all I really know.

It has been awhile since anyone has expressed interest in me or at least tried to 'hook me up'. I used to consider myself 'open minded' but this dry spell in the marriage possibilities department has led me to contemplate this supposed attribute of mine.

Am I open minded or just have low standards?

For example, there was one guy "Ibrahim" I was talking to and even developed feelings for who was Muslim born, University Educated. But he did not have an actual career, had a very liberal and carefree attitude towards Islam and life in general, and smoked (which for me is a major no-no).

I used to say as long as the guy prayed and didn't smoke, everything else is negotiable.

But even my 'strict' two-rule philosophy was bendable. I guess loneliness can change a girl...

Alas it didn't work out. He kinda lost interest in me. Which was hard because he had already asked his family to look for jewelry for me and was so nice to my son. But it was the qadr of Allah and now I look back and thank Him for removing Ibrahim from my life. Cool guy, but not the one.

So with Mexi-Muslim... I wonder if I should make a list of unbreakable standards that if not met, I refuse to relax.

#1 - Must pray 5 x per day, every day.

#2 - Attends Jumuah prayer every week and not just during Ramadan.

#3 - Education. Must have some form of higher learning under his belt. High-school drop outs need not apply.

#4 - NO CRIMINAL BACKGROUND OF ANY KIND. Yes people change, but I tend to attract the ones who generally do not.

#5 - Must have a stable job and income. Some sort of job that pays semi-well (I really don't care if you're not a millionaire). I'm all for marrying for the sake of Allah, but dude, don't look for a wife if you can't afford one.

#6 - Must like kids. Hi, I have one.

#7 - Does not refer to all non-Muslims as kaffirs and infidels.

#8 - No girl friends. As in friends that are girls. If I find someone who is like "Oh, I have friends that are girls but it's all halal". I'm not buying it. I've seen many myspace profiles of thse fierce Muslim with blond, tan girls in halters and bikinis on their top 10 list. And no, I don't believe you when you say it is for Dawah. Hi, I'm Jilbabble. The J stands for Jealous. I can be that. Don't push me, yo.

Anything else I am missing??

Monday, March 12, 2007

Yay me!

My computer was running ever so slow yesterday and today. I was freaking out cuz I had to type something up for work and every time I'd try to click on clip art or check something online.. I'd have to quadruple click everything. Long story short, I defragmented and scanned and whatevered my computer and now it is tip-top shape. YAY ME!

Alhamdulillah my son is becoming very adamant in praying five times a day. He wants to start praying at school. I want to tread on this lightly because I don't want to discourage him from praying but I don't want him to get teased either. Kids can be quite cruel at times (well.. lots of times) and I would hate for him to feel bad if kids made fun of him at school.

Just last week he threw himself into my lap and sobbed into my shoulder because one of his friends criticized his handwriting.

So if there any mothers out there with children in public schools... give me some advice!!!

My idea is to talk to his teacher at the next conference (which is soon insha allah) and let her know that A- he has begun praying regularly and B- if the school could accomodate him for the noon prayer. I don't really want to push it... buy I would prefer if she knew of a room that would be empty at that time.. and preferrably where kids won't be running in and out.

I dunno.. am I rambling? Do I make sense??

Alhamdulillah .... I am so proud of my son. Masha allah.

No more "If onlys"

Got this over at Hijabi Apprentice's Blog

Book 033, Number 6441:

Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying:

A strong believer is better and is more lovable to Allah than a weak believer, and there is good in everyone, (but) cherish that which gives you benefit (in the Hereafter) and seek help from Allah and do not lose heart, and if anything (in the form of trouble) comes to you, don't say: If I had not done that, it would not have happened so and so, but say: Allah did that what He had ordained to do and your if opens the (gate) for the Satan."

Sahih Muslim

I always find quotes, hadiths and the like there. And almost every post I can relate to my life. Subhan Allah. Love ya Hijabi!!!!

I deleted the Timeline Forgotten post just because writing me did a lot of harm. All week, although I was busy running around from one place to another, the memories that I dug up from the back of my mind to write that post were haunting me. My past really haunts.

I obsess over the abuse and humiliation that I lived through with my ex-husband. Which opens up the flood gates to everything that has happened after that. In the short 27 years I have lived, I have seen and lived through a lot. And I want to put it all behind me.

It is so true that when we focus on the "ifs" of our lives, it opens the gate for Shaitan to take over. I have made many stupid, stupid mistakes in life and when I really sit down to understand "Why was I so stupid? If only..." I see how the ifs have brought me to the lowest depths of depression and the brink of losing faith. And it is the Shaitan that does this to me.

So I want to stop asking myself "What if.. If only..." and just get on with my life. Insha Allah

Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Sometimes you can just tell

You know that fresh, reborn feeling when you say the shahadah the first time? When you know Allah has forgiven all your past sins, and you have officially and publically announced that you bear witness that there is no God but ALLAH and Mohamed (saw) is his prophet !!

I miss that feeling that I had when I knew that all my mistakes I made before that moment nearly 3 years ago had been erased. Clean slate. I was a good girl.

Not that I was bad before. I just made lots of mistakes. Lots of them.

Then you start messing up. Whether it was something small or big, when you realize that you can't be perfect can be devastating. It was for me. Doesn't matter what I did - I'll just say I shouldn't have done it, I paid for my consequences and I was crushed and defeated for a long time. I felt like I didn't deserve to be Muslim. I was so upset with myself for failing at 'being Muslim.'

Today I feel like a different person. Actually, I feel like that Jilbabble who took shahadah. Maybe it is the abnormally nice and warm day. Maybe not. But lately - especially today - I can't shake this good feeling. Like things will turn around. That Allah is trying to say to me right now "Jilbabble - things are going great so don't mess it up!"

I am so thankful to Allah right now for my son, my mother.. and most importantly for guiding me to this deen. Allah has a way of fixing things for you when you least expect. Change can't be forced. Change can't be manipulated or predicted.

For the longest time I have made du'a, supplicating for ease in this life, and to bring me back to the old Jilbabble I once was. I used to be so angry at life, wondering why I made the decisions I made, why this or that had to happen to me. I wanted a change in life. I want to be cared for again. I want to care.

I got this from Hijabi Apprentice's always inspiring blog: Verily Allah does not change men's condition unless they change their inner selves (Quran 13: 11)

I really have been working on my 'inner self' for a long time.

Alhamdulillah my life is very ideal as a Muslimah ~ I work for a Muslim Org. I don't have the pressures that other hijabis have about being Muhajabah in the States. I live in my own little Muslim Bubble. Um.. Yes.. I refer to my life as My Muslim Bubble. ANYWAY....

I just felt like saying ALHAMDULILLAH.

Monday, March 5, 2007

Jilbabble + Vicodin = Who's that boy underneath the table?

This 13 year old girl I know sprained her neck from turning around to look at a poster. She twisted her neck wrong, heard some POP POP POPS and then couldn't move it.

She posted this on her myspace and I felt sorry for her. Then I remembered one of my favorite 'episodes' with Vicodin...

I call it... Jilbabble House of Horrors: The Vicodin Trip

My mom has a stash of the stuff for her migraines. She has severe migraines and has to take medication for them every day, and then a special pill whenever she feels one coming. They leave her bedridden for at least a day when they hit her strong and the pills don't work. So Poor Jilmomma has a stockpile of Vicodin in her medicine cabinet..

I get migraines as well but to a much, much lesser extent. When I do get a doozy, she breaks out the Vicodin. One time I took one pill (not sure of the exact dosage) and then went to bed (it was night-time).

A few hours later I woke up in the middle night to the most horrid screams! They were the worse screams I had ever heard! Truly gut wrenching, not even human, seriously. But they were in my head! I was totally trippin...

The screams didn't stop me or scare me, oddly enough. I got out of bed and decided walked around upstairs and went into the computer room. When I entered, I swear I saw the little boy from The Grudge underneath a table in the computer room. Except it was the original Japanese version where he's blue. So yeah.. he was sitting under the table and I could see his skinny blue legs curled in a ball...

This is Toshio.. The Grudge seriously scares the living everything out of me... So I don't ever want to see this kid in my house again. I have since laid off the Vicodin...

Sunday, March 4, 2007

I Like Old People and other musings

I really do. Not like 98 year olds sucking on air old.. but people that are 20+ years older than me.

Today I hung out with "Khalah Jaan." She is probably in her 60s and is a very sweet Afghani lady who showers my son with love. Aw. I really enjoyed her company. She doesn't care about gossip. She makes small talk. She is just chill. Who cares about the age. I liked hanging out with her. We made plans to get together to visit another khalah who just came back from overseas. Jilbabble loves to kick it with the Cool Aunties. The ones who don't have drama. The ones who keep to themselves and like to giggle and drink tea all day. Alhamdulillah.


The whole 'Don't-associate-with-strange-men' thing we Muslimahs have to live by really does serve a purpose. For some, myself included, struggled with accepting that men and women shouldn't really be friends. I had a few male friends (SC, MF, and Salvatrucha [I've never mentioned him before. Um Mahtab ~ any idea on why I call him that?])that I kept at a great distance. The first two via phone, the last one by random emails throughout the year.

SC shouldn't deserve my time if he is just going to give me the runaround. Of course, he could say I am doing the same to him.. Maybe I need to climb to the top of my wall and shout down to him what I really think of him... That might be a good idea.. Let's see if I actually do it...


My son has been attending weekend Islamic school for the past two months. I kind of coerced him into doing it. Well.. I bribed him. I told him I'd take him to Disney Land if he goes willingly, behaves, and shows he's learned something.

So far so good, Alhamdulillah. He enjoys it. He has learned a Surah. I tried teaching him before but I think the school environment and the fact Mom isn't trying to shove it down his throat is good for him.

I already see results. Last Thursday when we were coming home from school, he told me that he wants to start praying with me. And guess what - he has! He wakes up for fajr and prays all five prayers with me. So far so good. I don't force him to do it - I think he likes it because it is something we do together. It is a good start.

May Allah continue to guide us both on the straight path.


So the flu/cold/overall sicknesses have pretty much gone. Now I am getting headaches every day. What is wrong with me? Waaaaaah. I just want to feel good again :-(


I'd write more but my head is pounding. The bright computer screen isn't exactly helping me...

Good night.. enjoy your week....

Thursday, March 1, 2007

Aqui Estoy!!! Here I am!!!!

Oopsie. Sorry for leaving you for so long, Musulmana. Good lookin' out girl!! Someone misses me! Weeeeeeeee!!

Jilbabble Jr. - aka My Seed aka My Son - has PINK EYE!!!! His school called me at work to tell me he has been sent to the office cuz his eyes are red, pus-filled, and nasty. Well.. the school secretary didn't exactly say it like that, but you get the point.

My mom had foot surgery. Nothing too serious alhamdulillah. They had to snip-snip a tendon or something. She is kicking it hard-core on the couch all week. That woman is so strong, masha allah. She refuses to accept any real help - she wants to move around by herself, only asks for me to fill her water glass and bring her food. Nothing else. Doesn't complain or anything. She's a real bad mamma-jamma. Not like me. I'd be like "Everything hurrrrrrrrrrrrts mommy....." and probably milk it for all it's worth. I liked to be babied. Probably cuz I was never babied in life... who knows..

As for me, the ol' Jilbabbster - nothing is new. Although I will say that sometimes I wish the world wasn't so small. You know, running into people who are 6-Degrees Separated from people you wish you'd never met. I had that moment today. Not sure if these people knew me, insha allah they don't.

Oh! Naughty and Cryptic Jilbabble.. you are babbling and not making any sense!

Hee hee.. that's how I do it, yo!

But seriously.. I think I may blog about that period of My Messed Up Life. Hmmmm.But not today. I am waiting for 'Isha to come in so I can pray and then go pick up my son's eye drops for his Pink Eye.

Pink Eye... The only Pink I don't like! Hee hee hee.. get it ~ I/Eye... hello??..... um... yeah.. uh.. who invited the dork?