The nikaah is this Friday insha Allah. I am finally at a point where I am looking forward to it.
The whole 'marriage' thing has been a strange notion to me ever since my brother married ten years ago.
His wife got to have her huge extravagant wedding. There were like 12 or 14 people in her wedding party ~ the party consisting of HER family. All her sisters, a few cousins, and friends were her bridesmaids... and my brother had his best friend as his best man.. and my sil brothers and some of my bro's friends as ushers. Her neices and nephews were the bridesmaids and ring bearers...
where did that leave me and the rest of my siblings? My sister was in charge of accepting gifts and my brother and I and got to light some candles. We weren't invited to be in the pictures of the actual wedding party but at least we got to be counted in the family picture -- even though they treated us like strangers throughout the planning and actual wedding & reception.
To top that off... when the ceremony was starting and my sil was waiting to make her entrance.. she was so nervous (understandable when you have 400 people waiting for you) that when I commented on her beauty she told me "don't talk to me." pobrecita X-p
I was disappointed in how so much planning went in to the event, disappointed that the groom's family were not taken into consideration and left to feel like simple guests, and to top it off the bride was so nervous she couldn't even enjoy herself.
I vowed to my parents that I would never throw such a 'frivolous' wedding when i married.. that i'd keep it simple and not exclude anyone.
Keeping to my word, that fall I eloped. I even married someone my family didn't like. Showed them! Not one year later I was left alone in a hospital bed, unable to move, with the possibility of giving birth to a dead baby.
Alhamdulillah I survived. I have grown to love and appreciate myself. I went through years of self-hate, thinking I didn't deserve anything and should ask for anything. Scared to believe in someone, scared to find someone who would actually 'want to marry me'.
It's amazing all the crazy thoughts I've had in my head the past couple of weeks.
Ever since my engagement was announce, shaitan's whispers were on constant playback in my ears. Audhu billah.
Maybe he will change his mind.
Maybe he will leave me after one year.
Don't have a wedding - you don't deserve it!
Other wierd thoughts as well. Was this the right decision? What the hell am I doing???
But alhamdulillah I got over it. Fuzzy has been very patient throughout all my craziness. I started to nit pick his every move. "Why don't you call me enough?" "Are you sure you even want to marry me?" "I'm afraid you will change!"
He totally called on my 'doom-scenario' accusations. "Jilbabble, you can't compare me to anything that happened in the past! Leave the past in the past!"
Alhamdulillah he never asks about my past marriage or anything in the past for that matter. We only had one discussion about it. I am so grateful that he isn't the type to talk about some girl who did him wrong or something. Or his escapades as a non Muslim or whatever. He is very mature about these things and never asks questions or offer too much information.
It is better for me because I know if I find out about past relationships I will dwell on it and ask too many questions. I will instigate fights out of my unfound jealousy of the past. A past I was never a part of.
A girlfriend said that when she remarried, she made sure to put "YOU MAY NOT ASK ABOUT MY PAST" in her marriage contract.
I will put the same. Except I think I want to work more like "Neither one of us may ask the other about a previous marriage, relationship, engagement, etc." Something to that effect. Does this sound okay?
So anyway... we will do our nikaah this friday insha Allah. in a few weeks we will have the wedding/walima insha allah.
It is such a strange feeling to be in this position, to be getting married and actually planning it. I never imagined I'd be getting married.. even though I always wanted to.