Thank God for 2 Year Olds..

Don't get me wrong, I love all my kids. But there is something about a 2 year old who is small in stature but extra-large in personality that just makes my day. Every day.

Back in the Saddle Again

So here I am. Back in the Cyberworld. Most of the friends I made back in the day have probably long forgotten about me, and I don't blame them. I've always struggled at maintaining friendships. I can't make any promises here, I can't be as cyber-active as I'd like. Too many kids, too much work, and not enough time.

Since I last posted, I had another baby. My daughter is 4 months old - so that is 3 kids I have now.

Yeah I'm still Muslim. I say that because it is a typical question one asks a convert. The usual assumption when a convert keeps quiet is that he/she left Islam. No, that is not the case with me.

If I'd rate my level of iman, though, I would say it is at an all-time low. There are various reason that contribute to this, but those are demons that I plan on battling through writing. I really don't know where else to turn to, since I've learned that I can't really turn to many people in my community. I hope to not come across as a whining, snivelling brat, either.

If anyone does happen to read this, I hope to receive any advice, criticism, or whatever.

What triggered me to come back to my blog? Recent events - some 19 year old Muslim kid planned on blowing up a Xmas tree lighting on Black Friday in Portland. It has left me with an unsettled feeling.

Which I'll discuss later. Gotta put the kids to bed..

WTH Jilbabble?!

Just finished reading this post and this post from A Glimpse Into the Life of a Muslimah. Homegirl just totally kicked my *** in like 5 minutes. But in a constructive way... Thanks :-)

I know, I know.. It's been too long. I opened a wordpress blog when I was snowbound and bored last December, but it is all a cloudy memory in the back of my mind.

What the heck was I doing this whole time? The normal stuff - home, work, husband, kids, etc. Trying to keep the drama at a bare minimum. Can't say my life is stress free, but the Days of Our Lives shizzle is pretty much non-existent *Alhamdulillah, Insha Allah*.

Jilbabble Jr. is doing well - he is going to be in 6th grade! Since he goes to a small private school, the leap into middle school means going into the 'main building' that is like 10 feet from the elementary school. No lockers, no scary unknown 7th and/or 8th graders to worry about (like bullies) because everyone either gets along really well or moderately tolerates each other. Overall health is okay, but we won't see any of his specialists until next month, so I'll end that topic with an insha Allah kheir..

Jilbaby is 15 months old and quite the character. We really could just sit back and watch him all day. He is a one-baby show. He has a cute face, is extremely chubby (you can't see his neck), and an insanely entertaining personality. Alhamdulillah.

So the big question - Why did I disappear?
I disappeared because I was tired of the whining, dissatisfaction, self-loathing, and constant pity parties I was throwing for myself. If you read the second link listed above, I am guilty of many of those things she advised not to do. For one, being the victim. It is sooo easy for me to point wag my finger and cry at people who hurt me, but what do I get in the end? Nothing. Plus I was reading on other blogs that I know read this one, and some were saying how they were sick of reading muslima blogs where they only write about how miserable they are. I realized that I was turning my suffering into one big pile of stinky cliches. I'd say things and not mean them - like "It's their akhirah, not mine, they can do what they want." I was one of those bloggers. So I decided to disappear for awhile.

I'd like to say that I'm a new and improved Jilbabble. The only way that I've improved is that I no longer obsess on certain things that have happened and have made peace with certain people. I don't forgive, I don't forget, but I just move on with my life. I got to a point (and insha Allah I will FINALLY stay this way) where I can really say "It's their akhirah..." and mean it. Of course it is selective. With some people, I can honestly believe that. But not with others (and those others are not who you think).

Marriage has been verrrrrry hard. I was naive and thick-headed going into it. I thought I had everything figured out. I didn't. Marriage is the most difficult, and most painful endeavor I have ever pursued (not that I've pursued many endeavors... I'm all wordy). But I don't lose hope because it has also been the best of times (no, I'm not kidding). But that will be another post. But I will say this - I look at Jilbaby every day and say Alhamdulillah. I have no regrets, and my relationship with the hubster has never been better. Alhamdulillah.

Sorry

I set my account to private. Oops.

For now, I have deleted everything negative from the past year or so.

The only way to move forward in life is to stop looking back.

Making the switch..

This blog will be deleted very soon...

I am switching to wordpress. I don't understand it.. but i'll figure it out..

Shots and a Surprise

I took Jilbaby in for his 2 month check up. Masha Allah he has grown! He is now 21 inches and weighs 13 lbs! He's a short blob of a baby!!

He took his vaccinations like a champ. Cried until I picked him up and fed him. Then he was out and has been in and out of sleep all afternoon.

The doctor had a little surprise for me though - his blood tested positive for Hemoglobin E.. Most likely from Dad. She says not to worry but is there anyone out there who can edumacate me on it?? I got a pamphlet from the doctor and looked up some sites online, but I like to learn about things from people with first-hand experience...

(Finally) My Birth Story Part 2

I left work that Friday afternoon feeling fine. Annoyingly well, to be exact. I made a mental plan in my head to do partake in any 'labor-inducing' act I could think of.

I came home and tried to convince H to take me to dinner downtown. We could do a lot of walking and then eat spicy Indian food. He was not down for that.

Or any other proposal I threw at him.

In the end we went to my friend's restaurant. Things were awkward. I was feeling guilty for making him miss work because I was convinced that I would be pregnant forever. Plus the fact that he didn't want to do ANYTHING - no walking, spicy good, food massage, and all that OTHER stuff you know that can possibly induce labor.

In fact things were so awkward that we sat and ate dinner in silence.

We came home and he went upstairs to spend quality time with himself. I stayed downstairs and watched TV. Funny how I can't remember what I was watching.

I started feeling stabbing pains in my stomach around 9:30. They weren't contractions, it felt like I ate something nasty and was going to throw up. But I did not. Instead I drank some water and lay on the couch.

After an hour I decided to go upstairs to my room to sleep. H was in the room playing a videogame and was so into it he didn't notice me coming in. I got in bed and went to sleep.

At around 12:30 am I woke up. The lights and TV were still on but my husband was not in the room. I figured he was downstairs taking a (gag) smoke break (double gag). I put my hand on my stomach and noticed something strange. The pain had gone away but my tummy had changed. Where normally I'd feel a preggo belly against my lower rib cage was.. well.. nothing. Flat. Gone.

"Did I drop that much that fast?!?!?!" I thought. A small voice in my head told me that this was it... just stand up and you will see. But I shrugged it off. Just to be safe I stood up and felt a dampness. My heart began to pound faster and faster. "NO WAY" I said out loud to myself.

I decided not to get ahead of myself and went to the bathroom. I could feel trickling but I tried to keep a level head, telling myself I could just be having an 'accident'.

I did my biz-nass in the bathroom and stood up. Then it was like Niagara Falls in my bathroom. MY WATER BROKE!!

I rushed downstairs to the front door and peeped through the peep hole to make sure H was outside. I saw the glow of his cigarette in the dark. I swung the door open and blurted "MY WATER BROKE!"

"What?" He was startled and confused.

"The baby is coming!!!"

------------------------------------------------------

We got to the hospital within 20 minutes. Alhamdulillah Jilbaby decided to come in the middle of the night!!

It was, as my doctor described, "A Beautiful Birth."

I had to take the epidural due to a dip in baby's heartbeat that occurred when they initially monitored me. It never dipped again throughout the rest of the labor, but in case the dip would lead to further complications, the doctor wanted to speed up the process with pitocin. I was fine with that.

And I held on for as long as I could until the back labor started!! Apparently Jilbaby was face up (or sunnyside up) but he turned around as I was pushing. Back labor felt even worse than "normal" labor!

H was a supportive as he could be. He was at a complete loss for words and didn't know how to help. I tried to tell him that all I wanted was for him to be near me and that would make me feel better but he couldn't see how that would make any pain go away. But he did the best he could and was by my side through the whole labor.

When Jilbaby came up, per our instructions, the doctor and nurses did not say a word. We were as quiet as possible as H and I marvelled at our son and the doctor and nurse finished their work. I was allowed to keep him with me for as long as I wanted before they took him away to be cleaned, vaccinated and eye-gooed.

It was .. amazing...

On my cue they wrapped him up and handed him to H and he sat in a corner to whisper the Adhan in his ear.

The doctor afterwards couldn't stop gushing over the beauty of it all.

What can I say? Jilbabble's got like that, baby ;-)