You Like Jilbabble. Jilbabble Likes You.

Thank God for 2 Year Olds..

2010-12-01T20:33:00.000-08:00

Don't get me wrong, I love all my kids. But there is something about a 2 year old who is small in stature but extra-large in personality that just makes my day. Every day.

Back in the Saddle Again

2010-11-30T22:02:00.001-08:00

So here I am. Back in the Cyberworld. Most of the friends I made back in the day have probably long forgotten about me, and I don't blame them. I've always struggled at maintaining friendships. I can't make any promises here, I can't be as cyber-active as I'd like. Too many kids, too much work, and not enough time.

Since I last posted, I had another baby. My daughter is 4 months old - so that is 3 kids I have now.

Yeah I'm still Muslim. I say that because it is a typical question one asks a convert. The usual assumption when a convert keeps quiet is that he/she left Islam. No, that is not the case with me.

If I'd rate my level of iman, though, I would say it is at an all-time low. There are various reason that contribute to this, but those are demons that I plan on battling through writing. I really don't know where else to turn to, since I've learned that I can't really turn to many people in my community. I hope to not come across as a whining, snivelling brat, either.

If anyone does happen to read this, I hope to receive any advice, criticism, or whatever.

What triggered me to come back to my blog? Recent events - some 19 year old Muslim kid planned on blowing up a Xmas tree lighting on Black Friday in Portland. It has left me with an unsettled feeling.

Which I'll discuss later. Gotta put the kids to bed..

WTH Jilbabble?!

2009-07-26T22:34:00.000-07:00

Just finished reading this post and this post from A Glimpse Into the Life of a Muslimah. Homegirl just totally kicked my *** in like 5 minutes. But in a constructive way... Thanks :-)

I know, I know.. It's been too long. I opened a wordpress blog when I was snowbound and bored last December, but it is all a cloudy memory in the back of my mind.

What the heck was I doing this whole time? The normal stuff - home, work, husband, kids, etc. Trying to keep the drama at a bare minimum. Can't say my life is stress free, but the Days of Our Lives shizzle is pretty much non-existent *Alhamdulillah, Insha Allah*.

Jilbabble Jr. is doing well - he is going to be in 6th grade! Since he goes to a small private school, the leap into middle school means going into the 'main building' that is like 10 feet from the elementary school. No lockers, no scary unknown 7th and/or 8th graders to worry about (like bullies) because everyone either gets along really well or moderately tolerates each other. Overall health is okay, but we won't see any of his specialists until next month, so I'll end that topic with an insha Allah kheir..

Jilbaby is 15 months old and quite the character. We really could just sit back and watch him all day. He is a one-baby show. He has a cute face, is extremely chubby (you can't see his neck), and an insanely entertaining personality. Alhamdulillah.

So the big question - Why did I disappear?
I disappeared because I was tired of the whining, dissatisfaction, self-loathing, and constant pity parties I was throwing for myself. If you read the second link listed above, I am guilty of many of those things she advised not to do. For one, being the victim. It is sooo easy for me to point wag my finger and cry at people who hurt me, but what do I get in the end? Nothing. Plus I was reading on other blogs that I know read this one, and some were saying how they were sick of reading muslima blogs where they only write about how miserable they are. I realized that I was turning my suffering into one big pile of stinky cliches. I'd say things and not mean them - like "It's their akhirah, not mine, they can do what they want." I was one of those bloggers. So I decided to disappear for awhile.

I'd like to say that I'm a new and improved Jilbabble. The only way that I've improved is that I no longer obsess on certain things that have happened and have made peace with certain people. I don't forgive, I don't forget, but I just move on with my life. I got to a point (and insha Allah I will FINALLY stay this way) where I can really say "It's their akhirah..." and mean it. Of course it is selective. With some people, I can honestly believe that. But not with others (and those others are not who you think).

Marriage has been verrrrrry hard. I was naive and thick-headed going into it. I thought I had everything figured out. I didn't. Marriage is the most difficult, and most painful endeavor I have ever pursued (not that I've pursued many endeavors... I'm all wordy). But I don't lose hope because it has also been the best of times (no, I'm not kidding). But that will be another post. But I will say this - I look at Jilbaby every day and say Alhamdulillah. I have no regrets, and my relationship with the hubster has never been better. Alhamdulillah.

Sorry

2008-12-27T23:13:00.001-08:00

I set my account to private. Oops.

For now, I have deleted everything negative from the past year or so.

The only way to move forward in life is to stop looking back.

Making the switch..

2008-12-08T23:16:00.000-08:00

This blog will be deleted very soon...

I am switching to wordpress. I don't understand it.. but i'll figure it out..

Shots and a Surprise

2008-07-09T14:04:00.001-07:00

I took Jilbaby in for his 2 month check up. Masha Allah he has grown! He is now 21 inches and weighs 13 lbs! He's a short blob of a baby!!

He took his vaccinations like a champ. Cried until I picked him up and fed him. Then he was out and has been in and out of sleep all afternoon.

The doctor had a little surprise for me though - his blood tested positive for Hemoglobin E.. Most likely from Dad. She says not to worry but is there anyone out there who can edumacate me on it?? I got a pamphlet from the doctor and looked up some sites online, but I like to learn about things from people with first-hand experience...

(Finally) My Birth Story Part 2

2008-07-08T18:50:00.000-07:00

I left work that Friday afternoon feeling fine. Annoyingly well, to be exact. I made a mental plan in my head to do partake in any 'labor-inducing' act I could think of.

I came home and tried to convince H to take me to dinner downtown. We could do a lot of walking and then eat spicy Indian food. He was not down for that.

Or any other proposal I threw at him.

In the end we went to my friend's restaurant. Things were awkward. I was feeling guilty for making him miss work because I was convinced that I would be pregnant forever. Plus the fact that he didn't want to do ANYTHING - no walking, spicy good, food massage, and all that OTHER stuff you know that can possibly induce labor.

In fact things were so awkward that we sat and ate dinner in silence.

We came home and he went upstairs to spend quality time with himself. I stayed downstairs and watched TV. Funny how I can't remember what I was watching.

I started feeling stabbing pains in my stomach around 9:30. They weren't contractions, it felt like I ate something nasty and was going to throw up. But I did not. Instead I drank some water and lay on the couch.

After an hour I decided to go upstairs to my room to sleep. H was in the room playing a videogame and was so into it he didn't notice me coming in. I got in bed and went to sleep.

At around 12:30 am I woke up. The lights and TV were still on but my husband was not in the room. I figured he was downstairs taking a (gag) smoke break (double gag). I put my hand on my stomach and noticed something strange. The pain had gone away but my tummy had changed. Where normally I'd feel a preggo belly against my lower rib cage was.. well.. nothing. Flat. Gone.

"Did I drop that much that fast?!?!?!" I thought. A small voice in my head told me that this was it... just stand up and you will see. But I shrugged it off. Just to be safe I stood up and felt a dampness. My heart began to pound faster and faster. "NO WAY" I said out loud to myself.

I decided not to get ahead of myself and went to the bathroom. I could feel trickling but I tried to keep a level head, telling myself I could just be having an 'accident'.

I did my biz-nass in the bathroom and stood up. Then it was like Niagara Falls in my bathroom. MY WATER BROKE!!

I rushed downstairs to the front door and peeped through the peep hole to make sure H was outside. I saw the glow of his cigarette in the dark. I swung the door open and blurted "MY WATER BROKE!"

"What?" He was startled and confused.

"The baby is coming!!!"

------------------------------------------------------

We got to the hospital within 20 minutes. Alhamdulillah Jilbaby decided to come in the middle of the night!!

It was, as my doctor described, "A Beautiful Birth."

I had to take the epidural due to a dip in baby's heartbeat that occurred when they initially monitored me. It never dipped again throughout the rest of the labor, but in case the dip would lead to further complications, the doctor wanted to speed up the process with pitocin. I was fine with that.

And I held on for as long as I could until the back labor started!! Apparently Jilbaby was face up (or sunnyside up) but he turned around as I was pushing. Back labor felt even worse than "normal" labor!

H was a supportive as he could be. He was at a complete loss for words and didn't know how to help. I tried to tell him that all I wanted was for him to be near me and that would make me feel better but he couldn't see how that would make any pain go away. But he did the best he could and was by my side through the whole labor.

When Jilbaby came up, per our instructions, the doctor and nurses did not say a word. We were as quiet as possible as H and I marvelled at our son and the doctor and nurse finished their work. I was allowed to keep him with me for as long as I wanted before they took him away to be cleaned, vaccinated and eye-gooed.

It was .. amazing...

On my cue they wrapped him up and handed him to H and he sat in a corner to whisper the Adhan in his ear.

The doctor afterwards couldn't stop gushing over the beauty of it all.

What can I say? Jilbabble's got like that, baby ;-)

Birth Story part 1

2008-05-17T13:13:00.000-07:00

Salaams to everyone out there and thank you so much for all your kind words and dua for the birth of Jilbaby.

Here is the first part of my birth story.. which pretty much starts a week prior to the day my son was born.

Here goes...

***

H came up the day after this post. He arrived by 6 pm. I was already exhausted (yeah it was a Sunday but the last week of pregnancy totally drained me) and taking a shower. He knocked on the bathroom door and poked his head in. Said salaam and chit chatted for a minute, and then he ran downstairs to pray and then started to make dinner.

"Wow," I thought, "Things really are turning around."

My last week at school was very hard. I ended up going home early a few days because I was just too tired. Sleep was becoming my frenemy - some nights were good, most were bad.

But H was totally awesome. Very attentive and helpful. Optimistic for the future because he had some promising leads for work (he's trying to do his own thing).

My 38 week check up was Thursday May 1st. My doc checked my cervix and THERE WAS NO PROGRESS FROM THE WEEK BEFORE. I was totally bummed out because I had H come up in a hurry in fear that I'd go into labor without him. Allah is the best of planners, I knew this.. and I couldn't dictate when Jilbaby would come. Still I felt guilty as we walked out of the doctor's office with no new news. It felt like this pregnancy would never end. I could tell H was anxious and maybe even agitated. He left his work and came up here thinking I'd deliver any day. He gets no paid time off and actually risks losing his job for leaving work for a long period of time.

The next day, Friday May 2nd, I was feeling fine. Neither my back nor my front were sore. I had a spring in my step but a scowl on my face. This baby will never come out, I remarked to some coworkers.

"No Jilbabble, this is the calm before the storm!" Predicted one teacher.

I hoped she was right.

Jilbaby Has Left the Womb!

2008-05-07T18:35:00.000-07:00

He's heeeeeeeeeere!

Alhamdulillah everything went well. I'll post my 'birth story' when I catch up with my life at home and get my rhythm back..

But here are the details:

Born early Saturday morning - May 3

Weight: 6 lbs 4 oz

Length: 18.5 in.

Healthy and really really loud..... :-)

I think I might rename my blog "How Jilbabble Lost Her Sleep"..

Fearing the Unknown

2008-04-26T09:43:00.000-07:00

I finally decided to talk to H last night. I'd been avoiding him since Thursday evening. Just cause I was feeling sensitive and hurt by what he had said to me.

We talked about the l&d and H is scared to death.

First he asked me who was going to be there for the birth. I said I just wanted him. This scares him because he doesn't know what to expect. I encouraged him to look up things on the internet, and I tried to explain what he could expect. Plus he doesn't know what to do. I told what my expectations were:

- to be by my side
- massage me if needed
- help me move around if able
- say words of encouragement
- be a rock for me when i feel weak

He has been forewarned that I could be very grouchy and snappy. He is afraid he'll take it personally and get offended. The fact that he knows to expect this makes me think that this won't happen.

Then he said something that made me laugh.

"I want your mom to come so she can help me while I help you."

The coach needs his own coach.

Well, at least he admits it.

***
The rest of this post has been deleted from this blog, and therefore, my memory.

It Could Be Anytime!!

2008-04-24T17:17:00.000-07:00

Made some major progress 'down there' and the dr said there is a possibility that I could go into labor anytime. It is hard to calculate because in the end, allahu alim. But the changes in the last week makes things look like baby is speeding his way out.

Last Week:

1 cm dilated
25% effaced
No softening of the c-vix

This week:

1.5 cm dilated
75% dilated
C-vix is verrry soft
Baby dropped and head in place!

I'm finally feeling some excitement now!

And lots of pressure in the area. Having Braxton Hicks contractions and some minor pains..

Now the question is whether or not to have H high-tail it over here?? Will Jilbabble make it another week?????

Clueless

2008-04-22T17:49:00.000-07:00

Any Mom's out there have/had clueless husbands?

My H is extremely clueless about pregnancy, labor and delivery. He is not the type to read books and take classes. I read books but not so much into taking lamaze or anything like that. Anyway...

H has no idea what to expect with labor. I was talking with him the other night and I mentioned something about how labor can take a long time. He was shocked. He figured I'd feel some kind of pain and my water would break.. then we'd go to the hospital and I'd push a few times and then we'd be done.

I had to school him. And now he's all freaked out.

Tried to explain the whole mucus plug/water break/dilation/contractions. Not sure if it all registered. (English is his 2nd language.. but still..)

Now he is scared and doesn't want to be in the room. Too bad it's not an option.

Things I Need To Do Before Jilbaby Comes

2008-04-20T15:51:00.000-07:00

Bored. I feel the sudden urge to make lists.. I can put on paper all the crap in my brain that is already internally stressing me out. Then, not only will it be stressing me out on the inside.. but I can visually see it. This will do one of two things - either motivate me to actually get them down NOW, or just stress me out some more, causing me to sit on the couch and resort to channel surfing.

Ahhh channel surfing.. the one sport that I am good at. Haven't done it in sooo long...

Anyway..

AT HOME

1 - Wash, sort, and put away all new baby clothes.
2 - Pick up crib mattress and place it in crib. Then put sheets on it.
3 - Pack for hospital.
4 - Shampoo carpet to get out those annoying and gross cat puke stains.
5 - Clean bedroom ~ go thru drawers, closet. Need to stop being a pack rat.

AT WORK

1 - Clean my workspace.
2 - Prepare my lessons for this week
3 - Prepare outline of lessons to be covered for the rest of the year for my sub.

Technically I see only 8 items on my list.. making my stress go down a little. Doesn't seem so bad right???

***

In a strange turn of events, H is trying to sell his car so he can by a four door suitable for a family.
***

The rest of this post has been deleted from this blog, and therefore, my memory. 12/27/08

Fat Baby

2008-04-20T09:05:00.000-07:00

Last night I dreamt that I had my baby and he weighed 11 lbs.

Then I was mad the whole time because my parents kept putting him in jeans, when I was very specific about letting him be in comfy pajamas.

24 more days left..

Sorry for the delay

2008-04-18T23:25:00.001-07:00

I've been sooo tired lately.

The last few days have been better. The sleeping meds didn't do much for me - I took them two or three times.. and yes I slept 8 hours but I never felt refreshed in the morning or any less exhausted during the daytime.

For some reason.. my mad will-power skillz have worked. I laid off any form of caffeine this week and resisted temptation to nap in the afternoons after work. I stayed on my feet.. did not enter my bedroom until after 8 pm... and I have been able to sleep better. Not like before.. but definitely better, alhamdulillah.

***

Had my first weekly appt yesterday. Everything looks good. Already dilated to 1 cm, but it doesn't look like I'll be having baby any time soon ~ Allahu Alim.

***

I FINALLY scheduled an appt to tour the hospital where I am delivering. It is on the other side of town - Insha Allah I won't go into labor during rush hour traffic cuz it might take me an hour to get there!

***

Sorry this is not very interesting. My mind is a bowl of mush. Maybe tomorrow I'll write more...

Today Sucked

2008-04-09T19:18:00.000-07:00

Seriously.

Everything went wrong but I dealt with it with my usual awkward (sp?) laughter and race to wipe my tears off in the restroom.

Work stuff.

I can handle it.. it's just that I am sleep deprived, ya'll.

So I had a check up with the ob and was given some meds to help sleep. I don't think I've had a solid nights sleep in at least 2 or 3 months. I'm at the point where I am delirious and I can't even fake it anymore.

I've started to bark at the older kids at school who totally don't deserve it.

So tonight, IA, Jilbabble will get much needed rest.

Moving On

2008-04-06T16:00:00.000-07:00

So over talking about the C-Word. It is a Sunnah of the Prophet PBUH and I'm not going to spend any more time discussing it.

Thanks manly men for your two cents.

2008-04-05T22:02:00.000-07:00

I'm a muslim. The C-word is part of my religion. If you're going to hate on the Muslims.. go hate on the Jews too cuz they practice the C-word as well.

Yes I posted my birth plan. Yes I asked for feedback. But ya'll never commented on anything else since I opened this blog like THREE years ago (archives are not that old only cuz I've deleted my blog a few times).

Is there some kind of C-word emergency alert that goes off anytime someone types the word on a blog or something.. and then men with penile issues feel free to say whatever they want?

Mark, I appreciate your comments.

Hugh and Ron or whatever your name was.. get a life.

Birth Plan

2008-04-04T18:56:00.000-07:00

OK I'm bored... Normally I'm not so 'planny plan plan' about my life.. and even more so while pregnant. Like lamaze - not interested in sharing my pregnancy and labors with others.. and the thought of simulating labor in front of other couples just grosses me out. And talking about cerv**** and va-hoo-haas while there are other men in the room.. um.. no thanks.

So check out my birth plan (if you can stay awake through it.. I hope I don't bore anyone) and offer me any advice. I'm getting nervous about labor.

Thanks for all the comforting words, by the way ladies.. I am feeling much better now. May Allah bless you all for caring so much for this little jilbabbly whiny baby brat...

LABOR
# I would like to be free to walk around during labor.
# I wish to be able to move around and change position at will throughout labor.
# I would like to be able to have fluids by mouth throughout the first stage of labor.
# I will be bringing my own music to play during labor.
# I would like the environment to be kept as quiet as possible.
# I would like the lights in the room to be kept low during my labor.
# I would like to wear contact lenses or glasses at all times when conscious.
I would like the option of showering to relax and manage pain

LABOR AUGMENTATION/INDUCTION
# I would prefer to be allowed to try changing position and other natural methods (walking, nipple stimulation) before pitocin is administered.

ANESTHESIA/PAIN MEDICATION
# I realize that many pain medications exist I'll ask for them if I need them.
# I would like to have a walking epidural (low dose).

CESAREAN
# Unless absolutely necessary, I would like to avoid a Cesarean.
# If a Cesarean delivery is indicated, I would like to be fully informed and to participate in the decision-making process.
# I would like (coach) present at all times if the baby requires a Cesarean delivery.
# I wish to have an epidural for anesthesia
# So I can view the birth, I would like the screen lowered just before delivery of the baby.
# If the baby is not in distress, the baby should be given to (coach) immediately after birth.

EPISIOTOMY
# I would prefer not to have an episiotomy unless absolutely required for the baby's safety.
# I would like a local anesthetic to repair a tear or an episiotomy.

DELIVERY
# I would like to be allowed to choose the position in which I give birth, including squatting.
# I would like (partner) and/or nurses to support me and my legs as necessary during the pushing stage.
# I would like to try to deliver in a squatting position, using (coach) or a squatting bar for support.
# I would like a mirror available so I can see the baby's head when it crowns.
# I would appreciate having the room lights turned low for the actual delivery.
# I would appreciate having the room as quiet as possible when the baby is born.
# I would like to have the baby placed on my stomach/chest immediately after delivery.

IMMEDIATELY AFTER DELIVERY
# I would like to have (coach) cut the cord.
# I would like to hold the baby while I deliver the placenta and any tissue repairs are made.
# I would like to hold the baby for at least fifteen minutes before (he/she) is photographed, examined, etc.
# I would like to have the baby evaluated and bathed in my presence.
# I plan to keep the baby near me following birth and would appreciate if the evaluation of the baby can be done with the baby on my abdomen, with both of us covered by a warm blanket, unless there is an unusual situation.
# If the baby must be taken from me to receive medical treatment, (coach) or some other person I designate will accompany the baby at all times.
# I would prefer to hold the baby rather than have (him/her) placed under heat lamps.

POSTPARTUM
# I would like a private room, if available.
# I would like to have the baby "room in" and be with me at all times.
# I would like the baby with me during the day but in the nursery at night, but brought to me for breastfeeding. (Note: be sure to check the breastfeeding preferences below.)

BREASTFEEDING
# I plan to breastfeed the baby and would like to begin nursing very shortly after birth.
# Unless medically necessary, I do not wish to have any bottles given to the baby (including glucose water or plain water).
# I do not want the baby to be given a pacifier.
# I would like more information about breastfeeding.
# I would like to meet with a Lactation Consultant.

C-Word -- Religious reasons, folks!!! Spare me the female c'n jokes and comparisons with the non-mozzy world, mkay?
# I would like the baby to be C'D before we check out of the hospital.
(GASP! YES I AM CENSORING MY BLOG. CRAZIES NEED TO GET AWAY FROM HERE. MY SON'S WEE-WEE IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!)

OTHER
# I would like my other child/ren to be able to visit me and the baby in the hospital.
# I would prefer that no students, interns, residents or non-essential personnel be present during my labor or the birth.

A Quick Hello

2008-03-27T23:51:00.000-07:00

More like a quick Salaam Alaikum

sorry i haven't posted.. still trying to process everything that has happened and what i need to do....

***

on the flip side.. this saturday my sister is throwing me a baby shower. the first i've ever had. I'm starting to feel the excitement i'm supposed to feel as a pregnant woman. alhamdulillah.

***

trying to enjoy my spring break...

lots of stuff to fill ya'll in on.. but it'll have to wait...

Sorry for not posting..

2008-03-13T17:25:00.000-07:00

I've been exhausted (and in pain) for about a week. This baby is really taken a toll on me.... make dua..

nothing big to talk about.. so just wanted to let everyone know I'm alright.. nothing new, interesting or exciting...

By the way.. I need to update my blog roll.. who is out there that reads me?? i'd like to link you to my site, if that's alright....

Maybe I Should Start A Meme...

2008-03-06T19:29:00.000-08:00

Random picture of something I read on a bathroom stall. I had just dropped off my best friend at the airport. She was starting a new phase in her life and I had no idea when I would see her again. I truly felt devastated to say good bye to her. She meant so much to me - more than any person had. I never really had a friend like her. I cried and cried.. stopped off at a pizza place.. used the restroom.. and read this..

Anyone have any random pics of random significance???

Keeping Busy/Just a Footnote.

2008-03-02T17:13:00.000-08:00

That's pretty much what I've done all weekend.

Friday night was a Family Movie Night at my school so that kept me away from home...

Saturday morning I went to the masjid to a lecture. Then, I took my son to a mall on the other side of town to buy him some much needed pants (I'm afraid his needs will get lost in the New Baby Shuffle come May) and 1-on-1 time with his super cool Mom (that would be moi). Then I dropped him off at home and my friend took me to a new cafe and we ate canollis. Later, my son and I stuffed ourselves silly at another friend's house.

So I was out and about from 9 am until 10 pm. I didn't get any work done at home but at least I wasn't moping around all day, alhamdulillah.

Today I had to go to a meeting in the morning and then a halaqa in the afternoon. And now I'm here.

Alright, enough of the play-by-play.

Last night I had a dose of Lonely Bitterness. Around 2:30 a.m. I woke up with the worst heart burn!!! My fault for eating so much, so late. I was completely out of Tums!! So by 4:30 a.m. I couldn't take it anymore and drove down the street to a 7-11 for my Tums fix. It was worth it.

**the rest of this post was deleted from the blog, and therefore, my memory.

I Hate The Flu

2008-02-26T20:05:00.001-08:00

That's all I have to say about that.

Oopsie

2008-02-22T17:06:00.000-08:00

I'm coming down with whatever bug that is floating around here.. At least it is Friday and I have the weekend to rest it off. So Insha Allah by Monday I should be fine.

I didn't drink much water today. I think that may be one of the triggers to my back aches. I had been so good all week but today it slipped my mind. Funny - I'm sick too, and now is when I'd need it the most.. but I forgot..

So on my way home, I turned down a neighborhood that is up the street from my house. I had to stretch my back so I turned to my left and then oops - the lady driving in front of me stopped her car in the middle of the street and I rear ended her. I wasn't going very fast and we didn't see any damage so she didn't care to trade info. But it shook me up. I cried all the way home and my son just sat silently.. once in awhile saying that everything is fine and that he'd check the damage on the car (my soon-to-be 10 year old acting like such the man now, subhan allah..).

I'm exhausted. I think I'll go lay down..

More Thoughts...

2008-02-20T16:53:00.000-08:00

The best thing I can do for myself right now is to continue living my life the way I have been...

I teach full time during the week. Weekends I usually just stay home, or attend events that are sponsored by the organization I work for. I keep busy being a part of the outreach committee for this organization.. and we basically plan events, fundraisers, etc.

What else? I read a lot and I watch movies. I like to hang out in bookstores and coffee shops by myself because whenever I have someone with me, they kind of take away that special closeness I feel when I'm just browsing books and drinking my coffee.

Did H share in this life with me? To a certain extent, and as far as he felt comfortable. We are two verrrrry different people. I can be both extremely social but value spending time alone or with my family. I don't need to always be talking on the phone and going shopping, comparing recipes and gossiping about others people's lives. My husband is extremely introverted. He makes few friends and holds them very dear. He will attend an occasional event, but big crowds turn him off. He can handle praying in large groups but once salah is over he says his salaams and is out the door. Me - I like to stay back and visit.

So we are different.

Oh My Aching Back

2008-02-11T20:37:00.000-08:00

Holy cow.. my back hurrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrts...

It keeps me up at night. I tried the pillow thing.. the heating pad thing... and still I am up til past 1 am every single night trying to sleep while my back feels like it is going to fall apart. Last night I was so miserable I actually sprouted crocodile tears.. whining to myself out loud. At 1 am.

And I have 3 MORE MONTHS TO GO!! Ya Rabb!!!!!!!!

At least...

2008-02-07T17:46:00.001-08:00

With all the problems I think I have in my life..

At least I am not turning into a tree...

Good Things

2008-01-30T20:23:00.001-08:00

My dad used to always tell me that good things and bad things come in threes.

So I've had two straight days that were just great *masha allah*.. so Insha Allah tomorrow will be the third :-)

Some coworkers and I met up for Thai food after work. One of the tutors at school is moving away so it was a kind of a going away dinner for her.

It as fun.. I could laugh and forget about all the stupid stuff going on in life. Alhamdulillah....

Random Meeting

2008-01-29T22:53:00.000-08:00

It's funny how your day doesn't go exactly how you expect it, but in the end you realize why. Subhan Allah.

Let me be more specific.

This month there has been extra curricular activities on Tuesdays and Thursdays. Tuesdays I stay after to help assist the teacher because the class is big and the ages are from 1st grade to 4th.

Today I was stuck at the school until 5 (should have been out by 4:30) because some parents were late picking up their children. I was slightly annoyed but whatever. Then when I was driving home, I was less then a mile from my house when I realized I left my purse in my classroom. So I drove home, brought my things inside, prayed maghrib and decided to head back to the school. The weather is bad and I didn't want to risk being stuck without it.

Before I left I asked my mom if she could spare $5.. I wanted to stop by a coffee shop and treat myself to a decaf breve latte & cranberry scone. tee hee. She gave me the cash and I was on my way.

For whatever reason.. I dawdled a bit. I did get my purse, but instead of going to the coffee ship down the street from the school.. I drove back to my side of town. I put my last $20 I had saved for gas in my tank (Insha Allah it lasts me to pay day!!)and decided to go to the big Starbucks that I rarely go to. It is connected to a bookstore and I had it in mind to order my stuff, walk around the bookstore for a bit and just go home. I am by myself, mind you.

When I finally made it to SB, out of the corner of my eye I saw someone who looked like the husband of my friend (one I have not mentioned). After ordering I turn to double check and subhan Allah it was this friend!

I ended up staying 3 hours at the SB chatting away with my friend. Her husband left to let us be alone. It felt so normal for a change.. I felt like my old self. Alhamdulillah.

So why am I so philosophical? Because IF I hadn't been late leaving school.. IF I hadn't forgotten my purse and decided to go back... IF I had decided to go to a different coffee shop... Well who knows what if. I guess as Muslims we don't dwell on the things or choices we didn't or should've made... but really... If I had taken the easy way out on things.. I'd have missed out on seeing my friend.

I benefitted so much from seeing her. I thank Allah for making things different today. I thank Allah for making it meant to be that I run into this friend. Alhamdulillah for the small stuff.

Quotes for the day

2008-01-28T21:03:00.000-08:00

My son said two things today. One was funny (like, duuuuuh!) and the other was touching.

It snowed a little over here and school was delayed two hours. We were backing out of the drive way. By not the streets were clear. My son says:

Look Mom! It didn't snow on the road!

Yeah.. I won't let him live that down.. ever.

Then we were just driving and he was looking out the window and says:

It's so beautiful it makes me want to cry...

Something Better

2008-01-27T12:28:00.001-08:00

Last night I hung out with my son.

It was a great evening because we haven't spent time like this in a long time.

Our school had a basketball night last night and he really wanted to go.. but the odds were against us and I decided that we shouldn't go (I had locked my keys in my car and we were waiting for the locksmith to come open the car).

We went grocery shopping together and I got him the candy he wanted (which he never asks for).

We went through the Taco Bell drive thru for dinner.

We came home, ate our fast food and decided on what movie to order On Demand (Pay-per-view). We settled on Harry Potter 5, which we'd already seen. We watched the movie, bundled up under a comforter. He passed out before the movie ended.

It was one of the best Saturday nights I'd had in a long time. Alhamdulillah.

Where to start?

2008-01-06T22:31:00.000-08:00

Hmm. I guess with the shiny happy stuff.

Baby Dept.

My belly is growing every day... subhan allah if you'd ask me yesterday I'd say I'm getting big. But today I went to a baby shower and realized I'm still pretty tiny. Alhamdulillah - I'm not blowing up *yet*...

I feel my little guy kicking all the time. He likes to dance on my bladder. Frequently. I use the bathroom so much I feel like I'm developing a special relationship with my toilet.

Religion Dept.

I am happy to report that my Eman Levels are increasing every day Alhamdulillah. I am reading Qur'an.. jotting down ayahs in a notebook and making notes on things... and I go back and read them and they have been a great benefit to me.

My prayers are better too, alhamdulillah.

General Stuff Dept.

I was sick all day yesterday. Stayed in bed and watched movies.

**the rest of this post was deleted from this blog, and therefore, my memory ***

2007-12-23T10:27:00.000-08:00

Last night I had a dream that I was studying dinosaurs and about to take a test and realized that I didn't study for it properly. Then I went into labor and delivered my son (who did not have a name). Oddly enough, the baby was already speaking gobbledy goo and was just as silly as can be. My husband and my mom were there and they were just chilling out and not helping me when I was trying to breast feed. They kept saying I was moody. I remember that I put the baby to my left and he began to latch on when I thought "maybe I should start on the right." So I switch sides and said 'Bismillah' and he started drinking. He was only sucking away for a minute when he stopped to talk more gobbledy goo and was pointing around and laughing. I thought it was so funny but I was worried he wouldn't eat more so I kept trying to adjust him properly so he'd eat. While he fed I tried taking the dinosaur test but gave up. The rest of my family started coming and they were happy. I remember feeling so annoyed because my mom and husband weren't taking any interest in the baby or helping me out.

Then I woke up.

2007-12-17T23:44:00.001-08:00

just in case you were wondering... buttered chicken still does not agree with me even now that i DON'T have morning sickness ...

my chest.. my chest.. my chest is on FIRE!!

Baby Dept.

in case you didn't read the previous entry... i'm having a BOY! Alhamdulillah. All those old wives tales that are supposed to indicate gender are so not true. Everything 'indicated' that i was having a girl.. but alas Allah planned for me to have a boy.

Alhamdulillah so far all the organs look health. I have an appt on 1/22 for a fetal echo to rule out any heart defects, so that should put my mind at more ease (at least in this aspect of my life).

It's amazing now I can feel him kick and *I think* squirm around inside my ever-increasing-in-size belly. Last night I was laying flat on my stomach and I had my hands on my abdomen and I swear I could feel some kicks. Mr. Wonderful put his hand on my belly (I was giggling about how I felt the baby) and the baby stopped moving. "See.. he loves me more already," I bragged.

***

2007-12-14T17:31:00.000-08:00

It's a boy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-12-04T07:01:00.001-08:00

Do You, uh, Jilbabble?

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Then and Now

2007-10-24T22:14:00.000-07:00

Being pregnant sucks. I really don't remember being such a mess with my son - and believe me, my circumstances were a whoooooole lot different then than they are now!

THEN: I was 18, married because I was naughty and got pregnant.
NOW: 28, married and THEEEEEEN got pregnant. Not naughty now....

THEN: My (then) husband didn't want to be a husband or a father.
NOW: My (now) husband is totally into the role, yo

THEN: I was married to an extroverted, womanizing, club-hopping, shop-lifting, wife-beating maniac.
NOW: Um.. he's like opposite of all that. Alhamdulillah.

THEN: Working in a chicken restaurant to make ends meet.
NOW: Teaching at an Islamic school to make ends meet. And of course for the sake of Allah. Plus the fact I can be all hijabified and Muslim and stuff without people arounding wondering why on earth I'm dressed like that. I can be me - weeeeee!

THEN: Morning sickness and other pregnancy related symptom were minimal.
NOW: I am a raging Hormonal Monster with roller coaster emotions and regurgitations.

THEN: No friends. At home all the time.
NOW: Oh... that part hasn't changed much.

Okay, okay... I have plenty of friends.... but my 'closeCLOSE'friends (at least 2) have since left Islam (One sighed "I need a break from being Muslim..." and I'm like... Uuuhhh... Islam isn't like a 9 to 5 job!) and are dealing with their 'issues' in less than favorable ways (Unhappy with your marriage, DATE OTHER PEOPLE!!!).

Kind of sad because I feelnow is when I needed them the most. My closest 'friend' hasn't called in a while. The last time we talked was when I thought I was miscarrying. She never called to check on me and never answered my calls or returned my messages. Now she is in town and 'too busy' to see me.

Kinda pouty.

Husband is pretty cool. He has been fixing the breaks on my car this evening (really.. this man just pays for himself...). Married life is... well... that's another post.

Alhamdillah, he is a wonderful human being. Really the differences are petty. I just want to go out more, be more like 'newlyweds' and not like we're pushing our golden anniversary within 3 months of marriage. Which is how I'd explain my life now. I am the Hijabi Golden Girl.

Anyhoo... going to go and take a shower and get some rest..... Good night...

Is Anyone Out There?

2007-10-21T20:26:00.001-07:00

Pregnancy Blues

2007-10-14T19:57:00.000-07:00

I've got the blues, yo.

I'm tired, nauseous... being in my first trimester sucks big time. I'm so not enjoying it.

My first pregnancy wasn't this bad. I was nauseous and tired, but I could function. I didn't throw up.

Last night I was at my work's Eid Party. The food was bangin'. I was feeling good for a change. So I ate. I made sure to eat plenty of Buttered Chicken and Mansaf. Fattoush and Sambosa. Daal and Yalanji. I ate like I wasn't pregnant. Mixing flavors and food genres.. I didn't care!!!

A few hours later, as I hugged my toilet seat, I thought... "I'll never eat again..." Buttered Chicken burns on its way back out. Not pretty.

TMI, I know.

*************

Where are my manners?!?!?!? EID MUBARAK EVERYONE!!

My Eid was nice - totally laid back. Went to Salah, then the masjid for breakfast... then vegged out at home til I had to go to the Eid Party.

Good Times. Alhamdulillah.

*************

Have to go back to work tomorrow. I'm not looking forward to it.

*************

Eid morning I had a lapse of bad judgement and for no good reason whatsoever I decided to snoop.

The results were unsettling. I learned my lesson though. That's all I'll say about that.

2007-10-10T20:14:00.000-07:00

Something happened today that triggered the Bitch part of my pregnant, hormone-infested self.

I got a Macy's gift certificate from work as an Eid present. I thought "Sweet! I can get a new dress for Eid! Weeeeee!"

So I went to Macy's and found some things in my budget... and tried them on... in various sizes cuz I'm a growing Mama...

AND EVERYTHING LOOKS HORRIBLE!

I've already been gaining weight but now my gut is popping out - and it's not cute. Plus my butt is getting bigger day by day... so everything I tried on was NOT flattering at all...

I came home and took my anger out on the family... Sort of...

I'm not yelling... I'm just irritated by what anyone says or does.

God bless my family though. My son, even though he doesn't know I'm pregnant, helped me make dinner (although it was like pulling teeth)... my husband is going to rent me a movie after taraweeh... and my mom went out to sooth my craving for popsicles...

sweet sweet popsicles..

the one on the far right, as a matter of fact...

i can almost taste it...

8 down, 32 to go...

2007-10-03T17:33:00.001-07:00

By that I mean weeks, yo.

I stopped fasting last week. It was becoming too much for me. I am having 'morning sickness' at night and the morning - the only times I can eat when I fast. So I decided to stop fasting and eat throughout the day. I feel so much better.

Now the last couple of days my hunger has become insatiable in the afternoon!! I am trying not to pig out because I don't want to get too fat. I went to order a pizza for tonight and while I waited I walked over to BK to order something off their Dollar Menu. I ate a sandwich while I waited for pizza.. which I'll be eating w/ my husband and son at Iftar in like an hour. I ate it like 20 minutes ago and I am still hungry!!

*********

Tomorrow is my first ob-gyn appointment. I am going clear across town to an all-women's clinic. I'll get my first ultrasound insha allah. Kind of nervous, kind of excited.

I need more faith because since I found out I am pregnant I have been scared more than anything else. Will the baby be healthy? Will I carry to term?

I always seem to carry out all these "doom scenarios" (as my husband calls them) in my head, expecting the worse. Insha Allah kheir. I need to pray more and make more du'a.

*********

I'm not as moody and emotional as I was last week. Surprise, surprise - Husband and I have been getting along very well lately! I got my milkshake, plus he has become more talkative with me (I talk too much... I feel wierd with quiet people).

Dictator Princess - I remember you told me you speak Dutch. Since you know the language... I am sure that must give you an insight on Dutch culture. I think I could benefit a lot if you'd post about it someday... because sometimes I think my husband is the wierdest person in the world.

Can I at least get a milkshake?

2007-09-25T20:37:00.001-07:00

Been awake since 5 am. On my feet. Made suhoor, went to work and was on my feet for 8 solid hours. Come home. Make the food he wants. Takes me til Iftar to make. Alhamdulillah he is happy.

After maghrib, after cleaning the dishes... I made my one plea. The one thing I've wanted for the past week... the one thing I can't stop thinking about...

'Will you take me to get a milkshake?'

No.. it's too cold for milkshakes.

Whatever.

---

hi i'm burnt out... what's your name?

Ramadan Ramblings

2007-09-24T20:01:00.000-07:00

So yeah... a lot has happened in the last two months. I got married, and then pregnant like RIGHT AWAY. I wasn't planning on having kids w/ my husband so fast, but poor planning on my part (oops - forgot to get pills) and allah's will prevailed. So there you have it. I'm P-R-E-G-N-A-N-T.

I really wanted to wait like a year or two to get to know my husband and married life. I figured - the first year will suck (as many have told me) and the second year should be somewhat better. So in my simple head I thought "Ok Jilbabble... just make it through the first year, enjoy him the second... and THEN try for kids." Well it looks like it's not going to happen that way.

Am I bitter? Nah. I'm indifferent. I should have planned better. And in the end it is Allah's will and that's that. Get over it, Jilbabble.

---

I haven't told hardly anyone here. Obviously my husband and my mom and a few friends but that is it. I found out like the day after period was due. A few days later I started to bleed a little and I retook the pregnancy test and it was still positive. Went to the doctor, thought I was miscarrying.. fast forward to now I seem to be fine alhamdulillah.

My son doesn't know yet. I figure I'll tell him right before I make an 'official' announcement (i.e. telling my boss I won't be finishing the school year - tee hee!).

---

Yes I am fasting. At first it was fine but lately it is getting harder and harder. I don't feel like eating the things I prepare for suhoor. I swallow the food begrudgingly and try not to gag. I'm not eating enough bread/pasta/whatever in the morning to keep my belly full. Made some rice tonight so I'll eat that tomorrow morning.

Any ladies out there fast while pregnant (FWP)?

Oops.. Don't Tell Anyone... But....

2007-09-23T14:41:00.001-07:00

RAMADAN MUBARAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-09-12T23:44:00.001-07:00

Marriage and Stuff

2007-08-24T21:55:00.000-07:00

So yeah I'm all married now... which alhamdulillah is so far, so good.

It is funny how I felt I was so ready to be married and be a wifey and all. And Alhamdulillah I am adjusting to sharing my space with someone taller and older and doesn't call me mom.

Nikaah... aaaaaah

2007-08-06T00:40:00.000-07:00

The nikaah is this Friday insha Allah. I am finally at a point where I am looking forward to it.

The whole 'marriage' thing has been a strange notion to me ever since my brother married ten years ago.

His wife got to have her huge extravagant wedding. There were like 12 or 14 people in her wedding party ~ the party consisting of HER family. All her sisters, a few cousins, and friends were her bridesmaids... and my brother had his best friend as his best man.. and my sil brothers and some of my bro's friends as ushers. Her neices and nephews were the bridesmaids and ring bearers...

where did that leave me and the rest of my siblings? My sister was in charge of accepting gifts and my brother and I and got to light some candles. We weren't invited to be in the pictures of the actual wedding party but at least we got to be counted in the family picture -- even though they treated us like strangers throughout the planning and actual wedding & reception.

To top that off... when the ceremony was starting and my sil was waiting to make her entrance.. she was so nervous (understandable when you have 400 people waiting for you) that when I commented on her beauty she told me "don't talk to me." pobrecita X-p

I was disappointed in how so much planning went in to the event, disappointed that the groom's family were not taken into consideration and left to feel like simple guests, and to top it off the bride was so nervous she couldn't even enjoy herself.

I vowed to my parents that I would never throw such a 'frivolous' wedding when i married.. that i'd keep it simple and not exclude anyone.

Keeping to my word, that fall I eloped. I even married someone my family didn't like. Showed them! Not one year later I was left alone in a hospital bed, unable to move, with the possibility of giving birth to a dead baby.

Alhamdulillah I survived. I have grown to love and appreciate myself. I went through years of self-hate, thinking I didn't deserve anything and should ask for anything. Scared to believe in someone, scared to find someone who would actually 'want to marry me'.

It's amazing all the crazy thoughts I've had in my head the past couple of weeks.

Ever since my engagement was announce, shaitan's whispers were on constant playback in my ears. Audhu billah.

Maybe he will change his mind.
Maybe he will leave me after one year.
Don't have a wedding - you don't deserve it!

Other wierd thoughts as well. Was this the right decision? What the hell am I doing???

But alhamdulillah I got over it. Fuzzy has been very patient throughout all my craziness. I started to nit pick his every move. "Why don't you call me enough?" "Are you sure you even want to marry me?" "I'm afraid you will change!"

He totally called on my 'doom-scenario' accusations. "Jilbabble, you can't compare me to anything that happened in the past! Leave the past in the past!"

Alhamdulillah he never asks about my past marriage or anything in the past for that matter. We only had one discussion about it. I am so grateful that he isn't the type to talk about some girl who did him wrong or something. Or his escapades as a non Muslim or whatever. He is very mature about these things and never asks questions or offer too much information.

It is better for me because I know if I find out about past relationships I will dwell on it and ask too many questions. I will instigate fights out of my unfound jealousy of the past. A past I was never a part of.

A girlfriend said that when she remarried, she made sure to put "YOU MAY NOT ASK ABOUT MY PAST" in her marriage contract.

I will put the same. Except I think I want to work more like "Neither one of us may ask the other about a previous marriage, relationship, engagement, etc." Something to that effect. Does this sound okay?

So anyway... we will do our nikaah this friday insha Allah. in a few weeks we will have the wedding/walima insha allah.

It is such a strange feeling to be in this position, to be getting married and actually planning it. I never imagined I'd be getting married.. even though I always wanted to.

Alhamdulillah.

2007-07-30T21:33:00.000-07:00

My score on The Which Ancient Language Are You Test:

Hieroglyphics

(You scored)

You are Egyptian Hieroglyphics! Monumental, ornate and even in technicolour! Your users contributed virtually all ancient knowledge on inks, dyes and writing surfaces - to the point where the popular reed of Papyrus became the universal name for organic, manufactured writing surfaces in the western hemisphere for thousands of years. Proud, upstanding and dignified.

Link: The Which Ancient Language Are You Test
(OkCupid Free Online Dating)

Simpsons 300

2007-07-27T15:44:00.000-07:00

The Low-Down

2007-07-26T21:46:00.000-07:00

I have been way too quiet lately.. especially with all that has been going on!

So I will break things down and let everyone in on my little secrets...

1 - My future Baby Daddy. Alhamdulillah. He is a convert like me. Weeee! He is from the Netherlands and has a very mixed background. Was raised Christian and converted almost 10 years ago. He is one year older than me. Uh... he's tall... dark... and I think he's handsome. Masha Allah. Is in construction. Leaving his life in another state to be with me. We shall build our empire TOGETHER!!

2 - Engagement. Forget Nice Guy nickname. I call him Fuzzy. So anyway.. Fuzzy and I were having this conversation about the whole process of getting married. Seems like Fuzzy didn't know all the technicalities about the wali, contract, etc. He just thought we'd show up to the masjid, get married, and live our life... I quickly put an end to that 'dream':

I won't even think of marrying someone if they haven't even met my parents. Especially my dad. Just cuz he's not Muslim doesn't mean that they don't deserve the respect and consideration one would normally give to a Muslim girl's family3

And with that oh-so-discreet hint.. Fuzzy scratched Plan A.

In June my dad went with his wife and my sister on a tour of Europe. When they came back (literally the next day) Fuzzy drove 12 hours to meet my dad and ask for my hand.

Met the parents. All is well, Alhamdulillah.

3 - Breaking the news to my son. At first he was very upset but now he has accepted it. What helped was Fuzzy coming last week and spending massive amounts of one-on-one time with Jilbabble Jr. while Jilbabble went to work. They are friends now. My son likes him. All bases are covered Alhamdulillah.

4 - Wedding. I had a small engagement party two weeks ago. Got dressed up, had hair and make up done. It was fun. Throwing this small, last minute party has opened my eyes to something I already knew about myself. Jilbabble doesn't do parties. At least for herself. Planning them, and then showing up and being the center of attention - MY WORST NIGHTMARE.

Family and close friends have dreamt of this moment when I'd finally find a nice man who wasn't a psycho or free-loader. They want a wedding... and they want it BAD! I kind of like the idea of something small.... and honestly I would prefer to do the whole gender-segregation thing but out of respect for my family, and since my feelings about it aren't that strong, I'll mix it up. ONe friend said JUST FIND THE DRESS AND WE'LL PLAN THE REST. So I might take her up on that offer.

But I want to do it sooner than later. There are many reasons. The main one is that I am a teacher (hee hee.. I finally admit it) and I am already beginning to prepare for the school year. Once the school year starts.. forget it. It will be too hard to a - teach, b - plan a wedding, and c - give new fuzzy husband his much needed and deserved attention.

Anyhoo.... That is all in a nutshell.....

2007-07-08T13:13:00.000-07:00

Yes... I've finally found someone worthy of crowning Mr. Jilbabble. Hee hee...

I sort of mentioned him awhile ago and labeled him Mr. Nice Guy. From now on he will be referred to as NG.

I'll go into detail later... time for dhohr...

Tee Hee

2007-07-05T22:45:00.000-07:00

Lazy

2007-07-03T15:51:00.000-07:00

I'm am so so so so lazy right now.

There are so many things I need to do it's like craaaaazy...

For example.. I have to reply to someone who is interested in buying my entertainment center (I posted it on Craig's List).

What else, lets's see... I have to clean my room.. well the whole freaking house...

I need to find a 2nd job.... tight budget is in my forecast.. need to make more moolah...

hmmm... got mad at my son when i should be more patient...

anyhoo... i'm gonna go... will update on my news later, yo...

Uh, hi!

2007-07-02T23:15:00.001-07:00

Salaam Alaikum to anyone who is still checking in on this blog. My apologies for not updating it...

I was out of town for over a week and got back last Tuesday. I drove to Californiaaaaa!!! My son and I had a lot of fun. Visited family and totally went to DISNEYLAND!!! Some have said, "Gee Jilbabble, you should have gone in a group so your son could have kids/friends to enjoy Disneyland..."

Well that sounds nice but it has been my dream to take him to Disneyland on my own. And I did it. I felt that anyone else would be an intruder. I kinda wanted it just to be me and him. And we had a lot of fun. Insha Allah it won't be our last time...

***

I have to go back to work on Thursday. Weeeeeeee! I am only working part time so that means I gotta pick up the monetary slack elsewhere... can we say 2nd job?!?!?! blah...

***

Stay tuned at the end of this week cuz I just may have some kick a$$ news, ya'll

It doesn't feel like vacation..

2007-06-15T14:47:00.000-07:00

I'm supposed to be on vacation right now... not due to be back to work til July. But on the last day, yesterday, my summer work got pile on top of me and I never quite got the moment to feel like "aaaaah... summer is heeeeere..."

~~

I accepted a tutoring job for the summer. More work. Alhamdulillah.

~~

My son finished 3rd grade today. Next year he is starting private school. He's not exactly thrilled but we've discussed all the benefits and I think he at leasts accepts the change...

~~

I can't find my house keys! This is driving me nuts because my work keys are attached to it. I really don't think they are in my house but I'll keep looking. I'll have to retrace my steps from yesterday - probably will have to call all the stores I went to and check if I left them there. Yay! I get to relive yesterday!!

~~

The kid and I will be going on vacation on Sunday. We're driving 10+ hours to our destination spot... Where in the US is Jilbabble?

~~

Tomorrow one of my dear friends who is moving away graduates. The big bonus to having to sit through a 3 hour commencement is the limo ride afterwards and free lunch at this one bomb a$$ Thai restaurant downtown. I'm thuper duper exthited...

~~

Still wondering where I put my keys...

~~

Too many things to say about the Marriage Dept of my Life. I've been talking to the same person for nearly 3 months. All of the sudden this week I've had a change of heart. And I don't know if it is my defense mechanism (fear of failure and rejection) that is kicking in or if it is really just not meant to be...

I'll go through details later..

~~

For now... I'm going to look for my keys...

Goodbye

2007-06-10T16:35:00.000-07:00

My two best friends are leaving me.

One of them I knew was moving for some time and I had come to accept it and prepare myself for her departure. The other is more of a surprise, and she will move to the East coast in a week.

Funny thing is that they are both moving to the same state.. the same town... leaving Jilbabble alone.

I am numb.

Will explain after I've picked up the pieces...

2007-05-27T23:58:00.000-07:00

Not Enough

2007-05-21T21:06:00.000-07:00

I have been doing a lot of self-evaluating lately. Maybe I am making a breakthrough in my Self Improvement Process (I didn't know I had one...wow BREAKTHROUGH!)... maybe I'm PMSing.. who knows..

Anyway...

Maybe I am not the great friend or sister I thought I was..

I have taken part in my fair share of back-bighting. I have turned my back on friends when their problems became to consuming for me. I defend myself saying "I can't solve everyone's problems... I need to live my own liiiiiife." But in the end, when the tie of friendship is so evidently severed to the point where I know I can never go back to that person at all... I wonder "Did I really give that person my all? Did I give up too early? Was I a terrible friend?"

I was so close to this one girl - American convert like yours truly - who recently gave in to the temptation that had been nagging her for the few years.. and removed her hijab, left her husband... and reverted to her old life of clubbing and dating men.

I guess I turned my back on her when I got this job last fall. In my defense, I reasoned to myself that i was too tired to listen to her problems. I was trying to adjust to a new career that was consuming my life. I got a hold of it now, but did I try to make ammends with this girl? No I did not.

So now she is going all buck wild but still keeps in touch with our large circle of friends. She calls everyone accept me. I have officially been cut off.

It makes me feel bad. I feel awful. I am not The Girl Who Turns Her Back To You. Maybe I didn't do enough.

Happy Shahadah!!

2007-05-15T22:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was my Shahadah Anniversary... 3 years and may Allah give me many more Insha Allah...

Arab in America

2007-05-10T19:27:00.001-07:00

Conversation

2007-05-03T22:37:00.000-07:00

This evening my son mentioned something to me out of the blue:

I don't remember what my father's voice sounds like.

Well sweetie that is because you only talked to him once a few years ago...

yeah only once or maybe twice in my life... his voice drifts off

Maybe one day Allah swt will send you someone who is even better than him...

He turns his head and looks at me with a smile: That's going to depend on you!

What's Going On

2007-04-28T19:36:00.000-07:00

I mentioned that I may have some big news.. well I don't want to get ahead of myself.

So I guess I will just say that yes I started talking to another Could-Be Mr. Jilbabble. We were introduced right around the time I told that other freakazoid to get lost. I'll call this new one Mr. Nice Guy, cuz that what he is. A NICE GUY.

I'm not going to go into details but I will say we finally were able to meet face to face. For my part, it was positive. I have yet to find our how Mr. Nice Guy feels.

Mr. Nice Guy was very polite and friendly. He is also a convert but has been Muslim for almost 10 years alhamdulillah. he's got tons of knowledge and showed it in a non-condescending way. What I liked right away about him was the fact that he didn't try to act like a Know-It-All or Holier-Than-Thou. He speaks of his conversion, of the deen, with a lot of humility and never made me feel like somehow I was not Muslim Enough. You can feel how much he loves this deen just from the way he says "Alhamdulillah."

I can honestly say that if he is not interested in me, I am just glad to have met him. Alhamdulillah.

Time

2007-04-24T21:01:00.000-07:00

Some people have too much time...

And others.. like me.. don't seem to have enough of it.

Alhamdulillah my son is doing much better. His kidneys are fine .. he just had some other stuff going on but alhamdulillah it is nothing to really freak out about. It all goes back to ME being more attentive to his needs. *sigh*

Anyhoo.. I may have some big news but I won't say anything until I know for sure.... So stay tuned ya'll...

And winner for the Worst Mom Award .. is .. ME!

2007-04-18T08:10:00.000-07:00

Needing some major du'as right now... If anyone reads this anymore...

I was up late trying to finish a report for work... went to bed around 2 and planned on waking up at 4 to finish in. Well.. I did wake up at four... and when I sat at the computer and double clickedon Word... I hear moans of pain coming from my son's room.

I thought at first he was having a nightmare..

But when I sat at his bedside he was awake, crying that his side hurt.

He was writhing for well over an hour. I'm not sure if he has a kidney stone or what. With his kidneys being the way they are... I'm freaked.

He is feeling better now (3 hours later) but his side still bothers him.

I am trying to get him in to see a doctor.

Why does this make me the world's worst mother? Well.. because his health problems and overall well-being has taken a backseat to my work. And I wonder what the effects of that will be.

I am very angry at myself.

Allah forgive me for not being the best Mom I can be.

Need to get those creative juices flowing...

2007-04-17T18:26:00.000-07:00

I have to write a paper that is due tomorrow. For my jobby job. And I've put it off until the last minute. So I've decided to just post on my blog first to get in the mood...

***

GUY DEPARTMENT

Okay this is a rant.

so that guy that i was talking to before (the latin let-down) just called me today and has inspired an enormous Bi*** Fit from within...

here are some random things that this guy said to me that will forever go down in history as the most jacked up things anyone ever had the audacity to say/do/insinuate to me...

LL: Salaam alaikum wa rahmatullah sister, how are you doing?

J: Alhamdulillah.... You?

LL: Alhamdulillah... how was your day?

J: Very busy... I have deadlines tomorrow, papers to organize and conferences to plan for.. today and tomorrow i'm so swamped down with work i have to take it home.

by now anyone with half a brain would take it upon themself to wish me good luck meeting those deadlines and politely say good me and leave me in my pile of paperwork. apparently, homeboy isn't one of those types...

LL: Well may Allah make you successful in all your hardwork. Don't work yourself to hard...

and he keeps going.. I don't even ask him how was his day, he just starts talking about how he was at the masjid, how he's 'trying to get this guy to convert to islam'.. blah blah blah.

We hang up after 15 minutes and he then decided to call me two or three more times THAT SAME NIGHT.

and it doesn't really end there.. becuase then when he is saying another 'May Allah..." to me.. and I am so caught up in my work I say "Jazakallah brother for all your kind words. I am so busy right now that I can't be very responsive to your conversation."

Guess what he says next -

"You know what I've noticed about you?" (I want to throw my phone on the floor because I really don't think that anyone should ascert their inciteful perceptions on a girl they've known over the phone for three days)

"Uhhhh.. what?"

LL: You never say Ameen

J: Huh?!

He lectured me for like 10 minutes on how he has made SOOOOOOO much du'a for me in our conversations and I never say Ameen.. and he used to be the same way until HIS SHEIKH called him out on it.. and something about Allah not granting the du'as made for you if you don't say ameen....

That was the last conversation I ever had with the guy...

---

Fun Quotes from a Nitpicking Latino Convert:

"What have you done for Islam today?"

"Good night sister... Don't forget Allah..."

"...I just got this guy to visit the mosque for this first time today and I got him to say shahadah..."

"I told my daughter: You don't see Daddy having Kuffar Friends, do you???"

---

Yeah it was such a great experience knowing you dude...

The reason I even mention this is because LL called my today OUT OF NOWHERE and left this really annoying voicemail.

I made it very clear to this guy that as I am commited to helping strengthen the Muslim community and that if I were to focus my efforts on any particular cause it would most surely be related to youth (ages 5 through 25).

This guy is ALL about Dawah. to the extent where I wouldn't be surprised if he started knocking on doors....

We had a number of conversations on this topic. I made it clear (basically spelled it out for him) that I tend to consider my dawah is through my actions, the way I treat others, etc. I am not really into debating, inviting random strangers to the masjid. To be honest, I am around Muslims 24/7 so I have little chance to try to convert anyone cuz - what? everyone around me is Muslim!!!

So I told him - the very very last conversation I ever had with this person - that I was not interested in actively doing dawah, that I wanted to put my energy in strengthening the muslim community through its youth. Which he was like Masha Allah, alhamdulillah....

I thought he got it...

But today.. maybe he is just looking for excuses to call me. I admit.. I am irresistable... (smirk)

He leaves me this loooooooong message.. and starts out like this..

"AS-salaamu Alaikum Sister Jilbabble! (insert duas for my family, don't forget to pass the ameen, yadda yadda) I remember the last time we spoke you expressed in interest in participating in Dawah..... I have several projects that you may be interested in..."

BANG MY HEAD THRU THE FREAKING WAAAAAAAAAALL

I am not opposed to Dawah. I feel right now that Allah has filled my plate with so many things that if I add "Invite everyone to Islam" on it, that plate will break into a million pieces on the ground, yo.

I just... wish... freaky guys... would just... LOSE MY NUMBER!!!!

hijab head

2007-04-16T18:21:00.000-07:00

so lately my scalp has been itching like i have lice or something. i ruled those pesky parasites...

so i am wondering if it is because of my hijabs or the new caps i purchased. bad bad jilbabble forgot to wash them. they were just so sassy i was too excited to wait to wear them. they are the ones that are lace on one side and plain on the other. you can wear it either way.. they are to sassy for words. but i think they are getting to my head.. literally...

yeah so i've been mad itching yo... sucks...

Hell in a Handbasket

2007-04-16T17:30:00.000-07:00

That's exactly where this crazy world is going, let me tell you.

33 dead at Virginia Tech?!?!?!?! I'm speechless. This is just ... insanity...

Catch up

2007-04-16T06:47:00.000-07:00

Hello? Hello? Is anyone there?

It's been awhile since I've posted. I've got so much to talk about and so little time to do it. Tsk, tsk.

Right now I am waitng for my son to get dressed and ready for school. I've been ready to so since 6:15am... I like to get to work early to get stuff done before anyone else shows up..

Hm. Let's see. Went to Chicago for the ISNA Education Forum. It was fabulous. The shopping was great. Seriously... the selection of clothes and books... things you won't even find where I'm at. And even if someone random auntie at the masjid gets her brother in some random Middle East city to send her things to sell.. the prices are like double what they are in Chicago. Sometimes even triple.

****

So it felt like I'd been working for 14 days + without one day's rest. Yeah.. I had last Friday off but that was to fly out to Chicago and then attend lectures til like 10 pm. Then be at it all day on Saturday.. get up early to leave on Sunday. Got home Sunday and had to plan for my week... Blech.

By Friday I had come down w/ the cold and Saturday I was completely bed-ridden. I only remember waking up for food and water and then going back to bed. I talked to one of my friends for like 5 minutes and it took so much energy to even chat on the phone.

I missed my work's monthly community potluck. In the words of my best friend: "Wow Jilbabble, you must have been REALLY sick!"

I'm feeling better Alhamdulillah.

*****

I'll post more later... I got to get the boy to hurry up...

Jilbabble in Da City

2007-04-04T17:04:00.000-07:00

I'm going to Chi-town this weekend, Insha Allah. My work is sending me there for a conference. Wooty woooo!!!!

I'm super excited but also very nervous because there are a million and one things I have to have finished before I leave and there is so little time to do it.

***

Latin Potential is officially LatiNo-Way Jose.

Too many reasons why he is SO not the one for me. And I'm okay with that. Alhamdulillah.

But I will say that single parents who do not have custody of their children should pay child support. When I hear about LP being thousands of dollars behind in child support payments.. and he just wasn't real for me.

***

I've been Muslim for almost three years now. I 'entered' the community (started going to the masjid, i.e.) over four years ago. I feel confident in my Islamic IDENTITY but feel that I still have lots to learn as a Muslim. My identity is firm but I will always be hungry for knowledge.

I want someone who is confident in their identity as well but humble enough to admit that they will never 'know enough'. I don't need someone to try to prove how Muslim they are when they nit-pick at me for not saying Ameen enough or telling me that I need to convert my family or something.

Plus I can't stand it when some guy has the audacity to judge how I raise my child and suggest I should try 'homeopathic' medicine for his health problems... when they don't even know me.. or my child..

Organizing My Thoughts/Catching Up

2007-03-30T10:11:00.000-07:00

Today my son has a doctor's appointment. Hooray! Nothing to worry about, it is a new patient appointment. I finally got him in to see a doctor!! I hope this gets the ball rolling so we can get all his yearly checkups w/ the cardiologist and nephrologist out of the way Insha Allah. I'm kind of nervous about having a new cardiologist... but Insha Allah kheir.

***

I just finished reading The Translator by Leila Aboulela. I also read her other book Minaret this week during my road trip (more on that later).

I'm not going to give a full-on summary or analysis of either books. The only thing I want to say is that The Translator somehow inspired me to organize my thoughts and Minaret moved me to stand up for myself and not give in to other people's expectations of me.

The main character in The Translator is a widow who translates for a professor in some university in Scotland. They develop feelings for one another and the widow Sammar finally gathers her strength to tell this guy that he must become Muslim so they can marry. There are many things going on in the book that I will leave out, and I won't say what happens. As I read the scene it made me want to do the same thing with a certain person in my life. No not a non-Muslim guy.. and really has nothing to do with the situation described in the book. But let's just say there some people who need to here everything I have kept inside for too long.

How will I organize my thoughts? I'll start writing. Writing will help me get everything out. When I talk of the top of my head I tend to ramble and go in all different directions. So I'll write it all down and then do the old cut and paste action to make it all pretty and coherent.

Insha allah.

*****

This week was Spring Break. I had the week off. Went on a long long road trip to San Francisco. It was worth the double-digit hours of riding in a van full of kids (I went with my son and another family). I got some major relaxation and deflation of the mind accomplished.

This weekend I'll be taking another road trip with my son and my one of my bestest girly-friends Insha Allah.

*****

I haven't spoken with Latino Potential in over one week. I've kinda been avoiding his calls.

Here are the reasons:

1 - I felt that we were talking more than what is Islamically appropriate

2 - I need time away to figure out if I actually like this guy

3 - Certain things came up in our converstions that made me need to step back analyze them.

Is he right for me or not?

I don't know.

*****

Ew. One of my cats just stood on my lap, stuck his butt in my face and let one rip. Yeah. Cat farts are nasty.

My Thoughts Exactly

2007-03-29T17:22:00.000-07:00

Taken from McSweeny's "Open Letters to people or entitites who are Unlikely to respond"
----------

AN OPEN LETTER TO
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER,
PROCTER & GAMBLE.

February 6, 2007

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core™ or Dri-Weave™ absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.
Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you f*#king kidding me?

What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness—actual smiling, laughing happiness—is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlúa and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walgreens armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull*#it. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Best,
Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Roadtrip

2007-03-24T03:44:00.000-07:00

Going on a roadtrip with my son and some friends.

Be back Wednesday or Thursday Insha Allah.

For those of you on Spring Break, enjoy your time off! Insha Allah we will :-)

Haven't updated cuz I'm lazy.

2007-03-21T21:08:00.001-07:00

I am still talking to Latino Potential. He isn't a complete loser and yes he is employed. I guess I should've straight up asked him where he worked instead of making assumptions.

Anyway.. he's a blue-collar type of guy. Seems to have grown up to be liberal in his politics (which I can put up with, though I don't consider myself either liberal or conservative. But liberals I can deal with).

I'll go into more details later. For now.. I will say that my friend's husband (who is good at grilling people and knows me very well) has LP's number and will be calling him some time this week. I'm not sure if I like the guy. I am growing to like him and look forward to talking to him. I have been very very very blunt and unflinching in expressing my views and apparently he likes that. Wierd. Anyway... Friend's hubby will talk to him. If Friend's Hubby disapproves.. I will most likely stop communication. Just cuz past experience has taught me to weigh into consideration the opinons of others before getting involved with a possible suitor/husband.

Totally Not Feeling It

2007-03-17T10:20:00.000-07:00

Just cuz we share an ethnicity and are single parents does not make us a match made in heaven.

Let's just say that he lost me when he told me that ALL about how he tried to overthrow his masjid's board of directors.

Plus he does not have a Jay-Oh-Bee. The window of opportunity to establish a relationship from the ground up has closed for me. I don't want to jump into marriage with someone who isn't mentally AND economically ready for marriage. I can understand if someone is a student and has goals for the future. But this is not the case.

Cool guy but not for me.

I must be boring

2007-03-14T17:28:00.000-07:00

Cuz no one comments anymore. Waaah. Did I lose readers??

Anyway.. some food for thought..

Someone called me last night saying that they wanted to introduce me to a brother in California. I guess he is a Latino convert (already one thing in common) and also a single father (woah - i'm a single mom!). He is a few years older than me. And that is all I really know.

It has been awhile since anyone has expressed interest in me or at least tried to 'hook me up'. I used to consider myself 'open minded' but this dry spell in the marriage possibilities department has led me to contemplate this supposed attribute of mine.

Am I open minded or just have low standards?

For example, there was one guy "Ibrahim" I was talking to and even developed feelings for who was Muslim born, University Educated. But he did not have an actual career, had a very liberal and carefree attitude towards Islam and life in general, and smoked (which for me is a major no-no).

I used to say as long as the guy prayed and didn't smoke, everything else is negotiable.

But even my 'strict' two-rule philosophy was bendable. I guess loneliness can change a girl...

Alas it didn't work out. He kinda lost interest in me. Which was hard because he had already asked his family to look for jewelry for me and was so nice to my son. But it was the qadr of Allah and now I look back and thank Him for removing Ibrahim from my life. Cool guy, but not the one.

So with Mexi-Muslim... I wonder if I should make a list of unbreakable standards that if not met, I refuse to relax.

#1 - Must pray 5 x per day, every day.

#2 - Attends Jumuah prayer every week and not just during Ramadan.

#3 - Education. Must have some form of higher learning under his belt. High-school drop outs need not apply.

#4 - NO CRIMINAL BACKGROUND OF ANY KIND. Yes people change, but I tend to attract the ones who generally do not.

#5 - Must have a stable job and income. Some sort of job that pays semi-well (I really don't care if you're not a millionaire). I'm all for marrying for the sake of Allah, but dude, don't look for a wife if you can't afford one.

#6 - Must like kids. Hi, I have one.

#7 - Does not refer to all non-Muslims as kaffirs and infidels.

#8 - No girl friends. As in friends that are girls. If I find someone who is like "Oh, I have friends that are girls but it's all halal". I'm not buying it. I've seen many myspace profiles of thse fierce Muslim with blond, tan girls in halters and bikinis on their top 10 list. And no, I don't believe you when you say it is for Dawah. Hi, I'm Jilbabble. The J stands for Jealous. I can be that. Don't push me, yo.

Anything else I am missing??

Yay me!

2007-03-12T22:19:00.000-07:00

My computer was running ever so slow yesterday and today. I was freaking out cuz I had to type something up for work and every time I'd try to click on clip art or check something online.. I'd have to quadruple click everything. Long story short, I defragmented and scanned and whatevered my computer and now it is tip-top shape. YAY ME!

Alhamdulillah my son is becoming very adamant in praying five times a day. He wants to start praying at school. I want to tread on this lightly because I don't want to discourage him from praying but I don't want him to get teased either. Kids can be quite cruel at times (well.. lots of times) and I would hate for him to feel bad if kids made fun of him at school.

Just last week he threw himself into my lap and sobbed into my shoulder because one of his friends criticized his handwriting.

So if there any mothers out there with children in public schools... give me some advice!!!

My idea is to talk to his teacher at the next conference (which is soon insha allah) and let her know that A- he has begun praying regularly and B- if the school could accomodate him for the noon prayer. I don't really want to push it... buy I would prefer if she knew of a room that would be empty at that time.. and preferrably where kids won't be running in and out.

I dunno.. am I rambling? Do I make sense??

Alhamdulillah .... I am so proud of my son. Masha allah.

No more "If onlys"

2007-03-12T18:07:00.000-07:00

Got this over at Hijabi Apprentice's Blog

Book 033, Number 6441:

Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (may peace be upon him) as saying:

A strong believer is better and is more lovable to Allah than a weak believer, and there is good in everyone, (but) cherish that which gives you benefit (in the Hereafter) and seek help from Allah and do not lose heart, and if anything (in the form of trouble) comes to you, don't say: If I had not done that, it would not have happened so and so, but say: Allah did that what He had ordained to do and your if opens the (gate) for the Satan."

Sahih Muslim

I always find quotes, hadiths and the like there. And almost every post I can relate to my life. Subhan Allah. Love ya Hijabi!!!!

I deleted the Timeline Forgotten post just because writing me did a lot of harm. All week, although I was busy running around from one place to another, the memories that I dug up from the back of my mind to write that post were haunting me. My past really haunts.

I obsess over the abuse and humiliation that I lived through with my ex-husband. Which opens up the flood gates to everything that has happened after that. In the short 27 years I have lived, I have seen and lived through a lot. And I want to put it all behind me.

It is so true that when we focus on the "ifs" of our lives, it opens the gate for Shaitan to take over. I have made many stupid, stupid mistakes in life and when I really sit down to understand "Why was I so stupid? If only..." I see how the ifs have brought me to the lowest depths of depression and the brink of losing faith. And it is the Shaitan that does this to me.

So I want to stop asking myself "What if.. If only..." and just get on with my life. Insha Allah

Sometimes you can just tell

2007-03-06T16:52:00.000-08:00

You know that fresh, reborn feeling when you say the shahadah the first time? When you know Allah has forgiven all your past sins, and you have officially and publically announced that you bear witness that there is no God but ALLAH and Mohamed (saw) is his prophet !!

I miss that feeling that I had when I knew that all my mistakes I made before that moment nearly 3 years ago had been erased. Clean slate. I was a good girl.

Not that I was bad before. I just made lots of mistakes. Lots of them.

Then you start messing up. Whether it was something small or big, when you realize that you can't be perfect can be devastating. It was for me. Doesn't matter what I did - I'll just say I shouldn't have done it, I paid for my consequences and I was crushed and defeated for a long time. I felt like I didn't deserve to be Muslim. I was so upset with myself for failing at 'being Muslim.'

Today I feel like a different person. Actually, I feel like that Jilbabble who took shahadah. Maybe it is the abnormally nice and warm day. Maybe not. But lately - especially today - I can't shake this good feeling. Like things will turn around. That Allah is trying to say to me right now "Jilbabble - things are going great so don't mess it up!"

I am so thankful to Allah right now for my son, my mother.. and most importantly for guiding me to this deen. Allah has a way of fixing things for you when you least expect. Change can't be forced. Change can't be manipulated or predicted.

For the longest time I have made du'a, supplicating for ease in this life, and to bring me back to the old Jilbabble I once was. I used to be so angry at life, wondering why I made the decisions I made, why this or that had to happen to me. I wanted a change in life. I want to be cared for again. I want to care.

I got this from Hijabi Apprentice's always inspiring blog: Verily Allah does not change men's condition unless they change their inner selves (Quran 13: 11)

I really have been working on my 'inner self' for a long time.

Alhamdulillah my life is very ideal as a Muslimah ~ I work for a Muslim Org. I don't have the pressures that other hijabis have about being Muhajabah in the States. I live in my own little Muslim Bubble. Um.. Yes.. I refer to my life as My Muslim Bubble. ANYWAY....

I just felt like saying ALHAMDULILLAH.

Jilbabble + Vicodin = Who's that boy underneath the table?

2007-03-05T21:35:00.000-08:00

This 13 year old girl I know sprained her neck from turning around to look at a poster. She twisted her neck wrong, heard some POP POP POPS and then couldn't move it.

She posted this on her myspace and I felt sorry for her. Then I remembered one of my favorite 'episodes' with Vicodin...

I call it... Jilbabble House of Horrors: The Vicodin Trip

My mom has a stash of the stuff for her migraines. She has severe migraines and has to take medication for them every day, and then a special pill whenever she feels one coming. They leave her bedridden for at least a day when they hit her strong and the pills don't work. So Poor Jilmomma has a stockpile of Vicodin in her medicine cabinet..

I get migraines as well but to a much, much lesser extent. When I do get a doozy, she breaks out the Vicodin. One time I took one pill (not sure of the exact dosage) and then went to bed (it was night-time).

A few hours later I woke up in the middle night to the most horrid screams! They were the worse screams I had ever heard! Truly gut wrenching, not even human, seriously. But they were in my head! I was totally trippin...

The screams didn't stop me or scare me, oddly enough. I got out of bed and decided walked around upstairs and went into the computer room. When I entered, I swear I saw the little boy from The Grudge underneath a table in the computer room. Except it was the original Japanese version where he's blue. So yeah.. he was sitting under the table and I could see his skinny blue legs curled in a ball...

This is Toshio.. The Grudge seriously scares the living everything out of me... So I don't ever want to see this kid in my house again. I have since laid off the Vicodin...

I Like Old People and other musings

2007-03-04T19:42:00.000-08:00

I really do. Not like 98 year olds sucking on air old.. but people that are 20+ years older than me.

Today I hung out with "Khalah Jaan." She is probably in her 60s and is a very sweet Afghani lady who showers my son with love. Aw. I really enjoyed her company. She doesn't care about gossip. She makes small talk. She is just chill. Who cares about the age. I liked hanging out with her. We made plans to get together to visit another khalah who just came back from overseas. Jilbabble loves to kick it with the Cool Aunties. The ones who don't have drama. The ones who keep to themselves and like to giggle and drink tea all day. Alhamdulillah.

***

The whole 'Don't-associate-with-strange-men' thing we Muslimahs have to live by really does serve a purpose. For some, myself included, struggled with accepting that men and women shouldn't really be friends. I had a few male friends (SC, MF, and Salvatrucha [I've never mentioned him before. Um Mahtab ~ any idea on why I call him that?])that I kept at a great distance. The first two via phone, the last one by random emails throughout the year.

SC shouldn't deserve my time if he is just going to give me the runaround. Of course, he could say I am doing the same to him.. Maybe I need to climb to the top of my wall and shout down to him what I really think of him... That might be a good idea.. Let's see if I actually do it...

****

My son has been attending weekend Islamic school for the past two months. I kind of coerced him into doing it. Well.. I bribed him. I told him I'd take him to Disney Land if he goes willingly, behaves, and shows he's learned something.

So far so good, Alhamdulillah. He enjoys it. He has learned a Surah. I tried teaching him before but I think the school environment and the fact Mom isn't trying to shove it down his throat is good for him.

I already see results. Last Thursday when we were coming home from school, he told me that he wants to start praying with me. And guess what - he has! He wakes up for fajr and prays all five prayers with me. So far so good. I don't force him to do it - I think he likes it because it is something we do together. It is a good start.

May Allah continue to guide us both on the straight path.

***

So the flu/cold/overall sicknesses have pretty much gone. Now I am getting headaches every day. What is wrong with me? Waaaaaah. I just want to feel good again :-(

***

I'd write more but my head is pounding. The bright computer screen isn't exactly helping me...

Good night.. enjoy your week....

Aqui Estoy!!! Here I am!!!!

2007-03-01T18:45:00.000-08:00

Oopsie. Sorry for leaving you for so long, Musulmana. Good lookin' out girl!! Someone misses me! Weeeeeeeee!!

Jilbabble Jr. - aka My Seed aka My Son - has PINK EYE!!!! His school called me at work to tell me he has been sent to the office cuz his eyes are red, pus-filled, and nasty. Well.. the school secretary didn't exactly say it like that, but you get the point.

My mom had foot surgery. Nothing too serious alhamdulillah. They had to snip-snip a tendon or something. She is kicking it hard-core on the couch all week. That woman is so strong, masha allah. She refuses to accept any real help - she wants to move around by herself, only asks for me to fill her water glass and bring her food. Nothing else. Doesn't complain or anything. She's a real bad mamma-jamma. Not like me. I'd be like "Everything hurrrrrrrrrrrrts mommy....." and probably milk it for all it's worth. I liked to be babied. Probably cuz I was never babied in life... who knows..

As for me, the ol' Jilbabbster - nothing is new. Although I will say that sometimes I wish the world wasn't so small. You know, running into people who are 6-Degrees Separated from people you wish you'd never met. I had that moment today. Not sure if these people knew me, insha allah they don't.

Oh! Naughty and Cryptic Jilbabble.. you are babbling and not making any sense!

Hee hee.. that's how I do it, yo!

But seriously.. I think I may blog about that period of My Messed Up Life. Hmmmm.But not today. I am waiting for 'Isha to come in so I can pray and then go pick up my son's eye drops for his Pink Eye.

Pink Eye... The only Pink I don't like! Hee hee hee.. get it ~ I/Eye... hello??..... um... yeah.. uh.. who invited the dork?

I stole this tag from DP

2007-02-21T22:10:00.000-08:00

1. What is your main cell phone ring-tone?

I don't know, some generic one that came with the phone. stupid cell phone can't download music unless i buy the mp3 to it. stupid stupid. if i ever get around to it i will change my ring tone to the one on my old phone ~ the tom tom club "genius of love".. the greatest ring tone ever, mkay?

2. What is your default avatar?

ummmmmmm, huh???

3. What station is your car radio permanently tuned to?

1150 a.m. Magia Solo Exitos. Spanish radio.

4. What is your computer desktop image?

A purse I wish I could buy...

5. Is there something you wear every single day?

The same as DP ~ Glasses!! dictator princess footnote: I don't wear Amirah hijabs - mostly shayla and my hair doesn't pop out at the edges ~ altho it took a lot of time and effort to perfect my hijab-wearing-with-glasses look in the beginning...

6. I wish I had a tracking device on:

my car keys

7. What page does your internet browser open with?

google.

8. This item never leaves my car/purse:

bottle of water (yes i do refill it)

9. What TV show do you never miss?

nothing on tv is that important to me.

10. What phrase do you hear yourself repeating too often?

me likey likey; faaaaaantastic; yo; fancy; sassy; Am I in trouble?

Almost back to normal

2007-02-19T08:56:00.000-08:00

Friday I woke up feeling like I had been hit by a truck but was still able to go to work.

Saturday I kept waking up in the middle of the night, my entire body and now my head feeling ready to burst. I kept thinking about symmetry for some reason and wanted to take a shower but thought the water would kill me. I ended up having a 102 degree temp and stayed in bed all day. (When I get fevers.. I think/talk crazy stuff)

Sunday my body felt better but my sinuses were a mess. I spent most of the night coughing and didn't sleep more than 2 hours at a time. Now my back and chest hurt, my nose is runny... but I still feel better alhamdulillah.

With that pesky flu bug almost out of the way, I find myself able to get out of bed in the morning to do my daily internet readings. I stumbled upon this article. For the love of God people, stop climbing Mt. Hood!

Well that is all for now... I have to go air out my room and wash all my sheets. There is this post-flu heavyness in the air in that space I have occupied for nearly 72 hours straight. It really needs to be cleaned....

My Buddy and Me

2007-02-18T18:01:00.000-08:00

This little fella has been my constant companion since Friday. I have spend my three day weekend in bed for the most part. Totally sucks. I was totally looking forward to this 3 week workshop that started yesterday (Saturday) that my friend is teaching. Kinda bummed. But honestly I felt so nasty so in a way I don't really regret missing the class cuz I know I was really sick and not just being lazy and making excuses for myself.

Not much new here.

Britney Spears is a freaking nut case. My sympathy for her has gone out the window and I am left looking at those pictures of her in a tattoo parlor wondering "What the heck kind of drugs is she on???" Britney.. I never liked you or your music.. I did feel bad about the media stalking you and your babies.. but now you shave your head and sport tattoos??? Are you TRYING to get your kids taken from you?

Just goes to show that all the money in the world does NOT bring happiness.

Isn't it ironic?

2007-02-15T23:17:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was February 14th. Also it was Valentine's Day.

I know Muslims who do not see the harm in engaging in the card-chocolate-rose giving festivities. But let's face it - it has nothing to do w/ Islam and I don't need to cite a source when I say that the Prophet pbuh distinctly advised that we only celebrate the two eids.

If you are Muslim and think it is okay to celebrate it - i will not hit you with my Kaffir Stick. I don't have one, but I'm sure one of my Twisted Sisters could loan me one... so watch out!!!!!

I don't celebrate Valentine's Day for the following reasons:

1 - You should express your love to someone on a daily basis. Not go overboard for one day. If you are a crappy boy/girlfriend or spouse, one day of wining and dining will not make up for the rest of the crap you put your partner thru.

2 - It is way too commercialized. Just like all the other holidays here. Seriously - if you don't get that collector's valentine whatever from wherever, or you only get a single rose and not a bouquet of one dozen.. is it really the end of the world?

3 - As liberal as I may sound sometimes(if you read all my deleted posts), I only actively celebrate the two eids. i will attend b-day parties and christmas with my non-muslim family, but I don't participate. I sit, eat, chat and then leave. No hurt feelings and I don't feel like that angel on my left shoulder is writing down yet another bad deed.

4 - the whole historical ties of paganism mixing w/ christianity as more of a political ploy also is in my mind as well but it is late and i don't feel like going into detail. I wrote a paper on it in college and I'll find it and post it here...

With that said, the only people to wish me a happy v-day were muslims. which made me giggle.

JiLbAbBLe ReLoAdEd

2007-02-13T21:28:00.000-08:00

aaaaaaaaaaw yeaaaaaah

I deleted all my previous posts.

Cuz I can do that.

Am I manic.. bipolar... schizo??

No... "We" don't think so (*hee hee)

I need a change. I need a fresh state of mind.. a willingness to uplift my iman and be a better person, Muslim, mother, daughter, etc.

How can I sit around feeling lonely, wanting Allah to bless me with anything.. if i don't DO anything myself????

Funny how I can't really change my current situation.. I don't have somekind of Life Mouse that I can point and click on the elements of my life that I'd like to get rid of.. and then highlight and select the things I would like to have (not exactly material things..). But that is what du'a is for right? And Allah swt in the end decides what is best. If I don't see it now.. I will eventually see it. Maybe what I want in life right now is not what is best for me..

I just pray that Allah accepts my du'a to do what is best for me and my faith.. and I humble myself in supplication.. I will accept what ever comes in my path and not dwell on what I don't have.

So with that... tune in to Jilbabble Reloaded...